Privacy in your relationship

[burnin_vernon]

Something I've never encountered before...

I was in the market to buy my girlfriend a camera for Christmas. Not knowing what she wanted exactly, I sent her best friend a message 10 days ago via facebook asking her if she had any ideas. (She never responded and I went ahead and bought one anyways)

Today, I opened my browser and my facebook was open to that very message. Now, my computer is connected to my TV and is pretty much the hub of our living room entertainment. It's mostly me who uses it, but she goes on occasionally, which is fine, because aside from this, I have nothing to hide.

I'm not a privacy freak or anything, and I'm not even sure if this bothers me enough to bring it up, but it seems a little iffy to explore ones facebook messages. Now that I think about it, she could easily check my email too. Again, nothing to hide there, but the idea of it is weird.

My girlfriend is one of the "cool ones". She isn't insecure, she's very honest, we have good communication, she's completely committed to me, and we have a very loving relationship. She likely stumbled onto my facebook (it's not difficult on my browser) and had a devil-on-the-shoulder moment. I don't think any less of her for it, but this is one honest example of why she shouldn't look at such things.

So I wonder who here has similar stories and how they precieve/deal with it. Or, even more curious, does anyone here keep each others' facebook, email, etc. completely open and accessible to each other?

Regardless of all that, how should I deal with the camera gift? Should I just pretend I never saw this and watch her fake surprise? Do I tell her I know now? Do I tell her I know after she opens it and laugh it off? She doesn't know it was to be a Christmas gift but I really wanted it to be a surprise so that part sucks.

If anyone has any harmless, yet diabolical ways of turning this around on her, I'm open to suggestions. (Something along the lines of giving her a crappy gift in the morning and making her wait until the next day to give her the camera.)

[chemgear]

Give her the camera but make sure that the memory card is full of pictures you've taken of her facebook messages/email messages.

. . . and maybe her panty drawer.

[terminator]

Nudes/

[WhiteTiger]

It's a matter of trust, I guess. my wife is very understanding about this, as I've been cheated on in the past and have some trust issues myself. I have 'my' computer, and she has 'hers', and like most folks, we have passwords and whatnot saved. If she wanted, she could look at my email/fb stuff, and I could hers. But neither of us do. Like you said, it was probably just happenstance (though 'round this time of the year, you'd think folks would be more careful...)

I'd be tempted to see if you could find an old, working Polaroid somewhere, and give that to her as the 'crazy' gift. Tell her you were thinking modern, but figured that an older one would be better. ;P

[prarieboy]

Just give her the gift as if you didn't know she knew about it.

Allow her some leeway in the matter.

Complete trust in a relationship takes time.

[Ozy_Flame]

Just keep it as blackmail for when you need it later. Nothing wrong with stocking ammo for a day when you'll need it.

[PsYcNeT]

Just keep it as blackmail for when you need it later. Nothing wrong with stocking ammo for a day when you'll need it.

Apparently this is what makes a relationship healthy.

[Daradon]

I'm like my privacy, so for me, I would confront her, but not in an angry or even accusing way. Just ask her if she did it. If she denies it, let it slide but make it known you don't think it's cool. If she admits, tell her it's not a big deal, but please don't do it in the future. Mention you have nothing you're hiding from her, but you do enjoy having a bit of privacy. Even tell her, that if something is bugging her, she is welcome to come to you and talk about it. Maybe even let her know that your fine with letting her in to things like that, but she needs to ask first.

I'm a bit of a private person, so things like that are important to me. Gotta be honest if it bugs you. I have nothing to hide, but I do appreciate the respect that comes with respecting my space and private things.

Of course, if it doesn't bug you so much, you could just let it go. No harm, no foul sort of thing. It would definitely make things easier. But only if it doesn't bug you, cause if it does, it'll come out somehow sooner or later. Might as well be now.

[Diemenz]

My wife knows all my passwords and all my logins, I don't put a password on my phone or my computer.

It's very liberating to not have anything to hide.

If she comes across a receipt for a present for her it that's a bonus because I get the "I'm guilty" special treatment which normally results in my favourite dinner or being able to watch archer, repeatedly.

Give her the camera and let the guilt lead to special treatment :).

[Mr.Coffee]

Think about one year ahead. Is this something that will matter to you?

Yes? Deal with it, talk to her.

No? Who cares then. If you got nothing to hide you got nothing to hide, she's the one ruining her own surprise.

[Kipper is King]

I read an article which described how some consider sharing passwords for things like social media, emails and even online banking to be a normal part of a relationship "getting more serious." I asked others if this really was the case for some people, and some replied yes.

I was horrified hearing about that. I think personal information, especially when a couple is not married/common-law should be kept personal. You never know how that could bite back in the event of a breakup. Ultimately, having trust in each other means you don't feel the need to have each other's passwords.

[iggy_oi]

Wonder if she ends up reading this thread too

[DownhillGoat]

Wonder if she ends up reading this thread too
Nah, that's jhunt's girl.

[NuclearPizzaMan]

Create a monument to honesty with the bones of her family. Make it tall.

[Mazrim]

My wife loves to troll me when I stay logged in on facebook, so she doesn't get my password for that. Anything else, I don't care if she has access.

[GreenLantern]

She probably checked that message as it was to her best friend, a nightmare among females I think is having their boyfriend sleep with one of their friends?

Give her the benefit of the doubt that it was a one time thing based on these circumstances and move forward OR call her on it and ask for an explanation. Those are really the only two options. You can't bring this up later on in a fight as it will make it a lot worse.

Just be damn sure it wasn't you that left that particular message open as this is a big accusation to make.

[troutman]

Posting embarrassing comments on our friend's open Facebooks, is great fun.

[REDVAN]

My wife doesn't really look at my phone (as far as I know), but I do leave my email and facebook signed in automatically on my iPad and home computer.

She could creep through everything... but it would annoy me because I'd think she was suspicious or not trusting me.

I don't look at her email, facebook, or phone- don't have a reason to.

[ranchlandsselling]

Don't confront her about it - but do sleep with the best friend.

[GP_Matt]

I leave everything open on our shared computer. She uses Firefox and I use Chrome so that we can store passwords and such without grief.
My wife could go through my email and Facebook but as far as I know she doesn't. I certainly don't go through hers.
Ii subscribe to the theory that I really don't want to know things that I am not supposed to know. This applies at work and home. I occasionally log into my boss' computer to grab a email or file if he isn't here but willfully don't look at anything that wasn't meant for me.
There is nothing worse than knowing half the information about a topic that you can't bring up because you shouldn't know about it.

[CaptainCrunch]

And I thought this was all about walking into the can to take a dump while your significant other is taking a shower.

[Rutuu]

I think all girls "snoop" from time to time it's instinctive.

This topic made me think though what happens when you share all your passwords but you've got all the information from previous relationships in your email, IMs, FB comments, etc etc...

Am I supposed to go cleanse all those before I start getting serious with someone?

[GirlySports]

Yes

[Cuz]

I think all girls "snoop" from time to time it's instinctive.

This topic made me think though what happens when you share all your passwords but you've got all the information from previous relationships in your email, IMs, FB comments, etc etc...

Am I supposed to go cleanse all those before I start getting serious with someone?

Or at least make sure they're well hidden ;)

[FlamingHomer]

You'll know where you stand when you see how "surprised" she is when she gets it. If she is nonchalant and confesses to knowing it was coming, take back the camera and buy that girl a ring.

[Displaced Flames fan]

My wife and I share passwords and sign ins. It has worked out very well. It is sort of symbolic more than anything.

[Wormius]

My wife and I share passwords and sign ins. It has worked out very well. It is sort of symbolic more than anything.

I think that is a good idea up to a certain point. What I really dislike is the couples-email accounts where both people share the same email address, like BeetlejuiceandLydia@netherworld.com.

[Street Pharmacist]

My wife and I share passwords and sign ins. It has worked out very well. It is sort of symbolic more than anything.

Agreed. Needing privacy leads to suspicion which is infinitely more harmful to a relationship than loss of privacy

[BloodFetish]

Now that she thinks she's getting a camera return it and buy her a vibrator instead. One of those really classy ones.

Everyone likes to be surprised at Christmas!

[Temporary_User]

I can't believe how many people have their phones unsecure. I don't care if any of my GFs read my texts/emails etc but if I ever misplace or have my phone stolen I don't want some theif or criminal reading all that + the ability to send more out.

[Azure]

I think that is a good idea up to a certain point. What I really dislike is the couples-email accounts where both people share the same email address, like BeetlejuiceandLydia@netherworld.com.

Or couples that have one Facebook account.

[Pizza]

As someone messaging a friend over facebook with a wife who regularly spies on him, it really gets annoying.

It never feels like a conversation you`re just having with him, but you`re also having it with the wife too. And most guys know, what`a woman picks up and hears, she spreads it around with her circle of friends. then you end up having to be super cautious in what you say to your own friends over facebook.

i say, lock up that facebook account.

[NSFL]

I can't believe how many people have their phones unsecure. I don't care if any of my GFs read my texts/emails etc but if I ever misplace or have my phone stolen I don't want some theif or criminal reading all that + the ability to send more out.

I completely agree with that. Lock it up, and if you want to have that open relationship where your significant other can check your phone whenever, just give them the unlock pattern or your password.

[ae118]

Or couples that have one Facebook account.

Shared emails and Facebook accounts are the worst. Are these people not individuals? Come on. I don't magically have a close friendship with your partner as soon as you make it official.


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[Muta]

Because of this thread, I put a password on my phone and I feel much better. GF can't snoop through it now! I know its going to drive her nuts, but I don't give a ####. I suspect it's happened before, and now, no more. I've just re-polished my man card and it feels good.

[Rathji]

I think trust (and the resulting privacy) is default in any relationship like this, and if you demonstrate that you can't act responsibly, when you have it, then you will lose that trust, and the privacy. In most situations, I suspect that you would also end the relationship, but there are lots of cases where that isn't necessarily required.

For example, a guy I know was doing some stuff that was a precursor to physically cheating. His wife came down stairs one day while he was texting this woman, and his reaction was a dead giveaway that he was doing something that he shouldn't have been. Long story short, she checked his text messages, read him the riot act, forced him to quit his job (where the woman also worked), and for a long time she was even tracking his text messages.

edit:

Just read some of the other comments and thought I would chime in on the password thing.

My phone, PC etc are all locked and it is a requirement of mine that all phones/ipods/computers have passwords/PINs. My wife has indirect access to all my data, through my LastPass account, but there is no way she would ever remember by (extremely long) password, so she has enough hints in various locations around the house, and in her email that she would be able to piece it together if something would ever happen to me.

We also share an email address, because there are many emails that we get where both of us need to be involved in the conversation, or for services that the whole family uses, like our Plex, Flikr, Netflix or Xbox Live accounts. We also both have several of our own email addresses as well, as well as Facebook etc.

[mrkajz44]

I think you have to ask her about it. If you thought about it enough to post a thread on it, then it is obviously a big enough deal to you to talk about it. And it can be a simple conversation - just say you noticed this message open and were wondering why she was looking at it. Just be clear you felt like your privacy was violated a bit here and you'd like to have some personal privacy boundries going forward.

Bottle it up and say "I don't want to talk about it now because she might think its petty, etc" is a bad idea as it will almost surely boil over at some point down the line.

[Nyah]

I'm pretty surprised at how many people share their passwords with their partners. I'm in a long term relationship and I don't know his passwords, and he doesn't know mine. We've never needed to give the other an opportunity to snoop because we trust each other. If your partner suggested that he/she would feel more secure about the relationship if they had access to your Facebook, email, etc., then I think you need to take a really close look at your relationship to find out why your partner is insecure or why they don't trust you. Because that's what it boils down to: if your girlfriend went through your Facebook messages, she probably doesn't trust you! Why else would she snoop?

Agreed. Needing privacy leads to suspicion which is infinitely more harmful to a relationship than loss of privacy

This makes no sense to me. Needing & having privacy is one of the things that keeps me sane. What level of privacy is acceptable/not acceptable? If my boyfriend insisted on access to my Facebook, shouldn't I let him listen into my phone conversations too?

Needing privacy is human nature. If having privacy leads to suspicion, then like I said; you really need to re-evaluate your relationship.

[GGG]

I can't believe how many people have their phones unsecure. I don't care if any of my GFs read my texts/emails etc but if I ever misplace or have my phone stolen I don't want some theif or criminal reading all that + the ability to send more out.

I leave my phone unlocked in the hopes that the person who finds it will just open the contacts list and send a text to one of my recent contacts. I will take the 99% of good people over the 1% of bad people.

[fundmark19]

My wife and I have access to each others accounts. She rarely checks my phone unless she has to text my parents and for some reason hates doing it on her phone. When she reads through my messages with my friends she gets upset at the mean things we say to eachother. I then tell her its "for the boys" and she gets over it.

What is the point of being in a relationship if you can't trust the other person. I have nothing to hide so she has free reign over my stuff. Same goes for her accounts. If you want to be sneaky about buying gifts and what not take the extra 10 seconds to delete your conversation. At the end of the day why would I want to waste my time reading through her lame girly chats on her facebook and phone,