What makes you afraid?

[CaptainCrunch]

Ok, I've thought about this long and hard and I didn't think it belonged in the gear grinder thread, and certainly not in the what makes me happy thread.

Once in a while CP acts as this great confessional platform. Because of anonymous nature of most of us, and the chances that we'll never ever meet people in person, you have the ability to get things off your chest, or open up a bit and talk or work things through and get great advice, advice that maybe isn't so great, and some irreverent comments that remind you that things aren't so bad or your overly focused on the negatives of a situation.

So what's the biggest fear in the Captain's life, whats the boogey man under the bed or in the closet waiting to leap out and devour me.

The whole slowing down thing, and while there's a physical aspect of it. I'm certainly not the athlete that I used to be, I'm rocked with the usual physical pains that you get as you approach the mid point of your life. You know the ones? When you wake up in the morning and feel it in your knees and in your back, and in your shoulders and generally in your muscles. You realize it when you go out and play football or hockey or basket ball that your not near as fast as you used to be, and that nephew burns around you on a post pattern and it doesn't matter anymore because your experience doesn't equal results anymore.

I'm really not afraid of that, I dread it, but I'm not afraid of it.

I'm terrified of the mental aspect of life.

Just to give some background I played a lot of sports growing up, and did a lot of what you would call stupid things.

During my time leading up to probably 35 I had 8 documented concussions with a few serious ones, on top of that I probably had a few other knock the dust off moments that were probably concussions that I never got looked at because they didn't feel like the concussions that sent me to the doctor or the emergency room.

About a year ago I began to notice things that scared me. I'm starting to forget words, and they aren't just words that are out there, they are common words. I spent minutes trying to remember the word integrity for example in a conversation. You know when you sit there and start a sentence and you stop and your thinking "What's the word I'm looking for"

I'm forgetful now, things that I used to remember to do, I forget to do now and these are common activities. My trips to the grocery store for example where I knew exactly what I needed, are now an adventure of getting to the cashier and checking out and getting home and realizing that I've forgotten a bunch of what I needed to get.

Reading used to be a joy for me, I'd read 5 or 6 books in a month. Now a single book takes me a month, and I get to a point where it gets frustrating because I'll forget about key characters and key moments in the book I'm reading.

I used to be great at remember history, I love history I could pull events and dates easily and be able to link things in a coherent discussion. Now I have to re-research everything.

And coherent conversations I'm starting to really have trouble keeping up with conversations.

All this is starting to make me a frustrated and sometimes difficult person to get along with.

Its terrifying in a lot of ways because its almost like I can feel things physically sliding away, like things that I could grab easily are now sitting on a top shelf just beyond my reach. Its almost at times like I'm foggy, I don't know how to describe it, but I am.

I went to see a doctor and got referrals to specialists generally went through a bunch of tests from mental acuity tests, and memory recall tests, to a scan of my noggin.

Basically what came back is that there is absolutely damage to areas of my brain from the concussions and in combination with things that happen when you age.

Basically the message is, what's done is done live with it.

I guess I'm having lots of problems right now with feeling like the slowest guy in the room, and I have this innate feeling of impending doom when I'm in a room with some of my uncles for example who have slowed completely down. Or even my dad who really struggles with reading and remember things and the simplest things like his judgement when he's driving.

I'm not hear to make this scathing indictment of youth sports like hockey or football or even slow pitch. I'm not going to blame that cute little girl that I was showing off too when I was 9 or 10 or whatever that gave me my first major concussion.

But yeah, I'm now dealing with this overwhelming feeling of dread, that if I'm having these struggles now what's it going to be like in 5 years or 10 years.

That's what makes me afraid.

[transplant99]

removed

[PostandIn]

I hear ya. I feel many of the same things but my sense is most of it is from a myriad of drugs consumed in my teens to mid-20's, alcohol and age. I also think not being really immersed, or at least more than casually interested, in something I find mentally challenging is a factor. Getting old and paying for one's previous sins sucks.

[CliffFletcher]

I'm in the same boat. I'm only in my late 40s, but I can no longer recall simple details that used to be able recall at will. Names of movies. Names of restaurants. Musicians. Even names of co-workers. Playing boardgames is a big hobby of mine, but unless I've played a game in the last couples months, I have to re-read the rules to it before I can play.

I've gotten so anxious at not being able to recall facts in conversation that I'm avoiding certain subjects (anything to do with names of actors, musicians, books, etc.) to save myself the embarrassment from the inevitable lapses. I just had this conversation with a co-worker:

Co-worker: What's the name of that restaurant you and your wife went to a couple weeks ago and really enjoyed?

Me: Oh, it's...uh, damn. Crap. Can't remember. It's... let me look it up on Google.

And this is a restaurant I've been to four or five times. This kind of memory failure happens to me several times a week.

I know I had one serious concussion for sure when I was a kid. Probably a couple more undiagnosed. On top of that, I was pretty cavalier with brain cells in a lot of ways in my youth.

Now I want to get an assessment too. Though like CaptainCrunch, I dread what the results might tell me.

[OutOfTheCube]

I'm afraid of drowning.

Can't say I've got the "existential dread" phase of my life yet.

[WinnipegFan]

Cap,

I haven't spoken often with you but I feel like you just described my greatest fear and the exact issues I am struggling with. I am in my late 30s and have noticed my memory is slipping at times. Now I am also a new Dad so the lack of sleep tends to exasperate the memory issue. However, there are events in my past that I simply cannot recall. I will speak to old friends whow ere there and I have literally no recollection of it. I also work from my memory a lot and have noticed that it is obviously more difficult and I apply these memories over and over bi annually in the same order. So it is scaring me. How did you get your doctor to start the evaluation process? I would really like to start the process with my family doctor. I know i had a number of major concussions during my hockey career and I am pretty sure I had a minor one again last year. I would love to get a scan done and see how things look. Worst case scenario I would love to look at some ways to battle it through exercises etc. I agree that the physical aspect is affecting me as well. However, in regards to that I find if I stick to a workout regime (I have to stick to it more now to see results than in my 20s) I can mitigate the effect this has on my life, not sure if that helps. I also think at a certain point I have to stop trying to complete with early 20 year old skaters and accept my lot. The last team I played for in TO I found out about half way through the season that the closest guy to my age was 10 years younger than me. That was an eye opener but made it easier to swallow that I felt I was slowing. Anyways, if you ever want to chat further about this fear or your symptoms I can lend an understanding ear as I feel exactly the same way.

[Erick Estrada]

I've always been terrible with names but I have noticed that I do forget some things. Not sure if it's from being middle age or all the brain cells lost to drugs and booze I consumed as a teen and young adult. Then again I can surprise myself with some of the specific work related stuff I can remember from ten years ago. My wife recently lost an aunt to dementia and it was brutal to see a once sharp person mentally degenerate. I would try to get diagnosed ASAP as there are different types of degeneration that can be surgically treated or even treated with lifestyle changes. Better to find out now and get help than delay out of fear and lose future years of independence.

[mivdo]

Captain is it possible your dealing with anxiety. Some of your descriptions of impending doom and dread reminds me of what I was dealing with. It was originally brought on by stress but eventually snowballed to the point of being hospitalized thinking I was having a heart attack.

Just thinking about situations most people would find relatively normal would set off a panic attack where I would feel the walls closing in on me. I was afraid of getting into situations that I felt would bring on an attack. (Driving, going shopping or even standing in line.)

I was having anxiety about my anxiety and it really took over my life. It might not be what your going through but maybe worth looking into.

[CaptainCrunch]

Oh there's complete anxiety involved here and also a lot of moments of complete depression, some driven by the anxiety and the things that I'm going through, some that are attributed to the actual damage caused that showed up on the scan.

At least that's how it was described to me.

There's treatments that involved drugs that won't improve the symptoms, but will probably help me with what I'm going through right now in terms of moods and frustration. I just don't like the idea of the treatments, there's a cost to those and not monetarily, and that concerning.

I mean I have dealt with the physical symptoms through workouts and changing how I do that, I don't lift weights anymore because that just added to the physical problems. I do a lot of DDPYoga and other things that help with flexibility and strength and cardio

On the mental side of things I keep busy and out of the house, because honestly the deep dark fears I guess that I have really come to the forefront when I'm not doing anything, like watching TV, or sleeping.

There's really not a surgical option being presented, I mean pretty much damaged is damaged, the brain's pretty good at rewiring stuff, but its never going to be the same.

At some point I tell myself, I'll just be able to accept whats going on and it will become the new normal.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by OutOfTheCube

I'm afraid of drowning.

Can't say I've got the "existential dread" phase of my life yet.

So....at the moment every new year is still a Happy New Year?

[EVERLAST]

I wish the bumper sticker "the older I got the better I was" was true.

Getting older blows donkeys.

Dimensia, Alzheimer's, Fibromyalgia, Rhumatism, Anxiety, Fatigue, weakness, headaches and the power to ask for help when I don't want to ask.

I don't accept not being able to be physical enough to defend myself if need be anymore but it's a reality.

Not remembering details is tough too. I email, text message myself and remind myself in advance so I don't look like a tool.....man it's embarrassing but I look at my dad in the early stages of Alzheimer's and it's scary.

Yep. I hate that somehow it's supposed to be normal but not at 49 ffs.

[DuffMan]

while I experience some of the same issues, with short term memory mainly, long term seems ok still, I'm a little more freaked about physical issues.

I think it always happens after holidays when I visit my parents and they talk about friends and families health issues, and there are guys that can;t golf anymore due to age, physical ailments, or simply because some have passed.
This year was especially bad as we visited my wifes cousin in BC, who has ALS for some time now, and I really really feel for him or anyone that deals with those kinds of unexpected eol ailments.

also should say in this technology age, ADD seems to get me, I don't even read posts more than 2 paragraphs anymore, or jokes without pictures.

[skudr248]

Hmm...

I'm afraid of dying alone and a big reason as to why I'm alone is because I've pushed women out of my life that I've been in relationships with due to my own issues. Pushed friends away.. family at times, Like they would be better without me. I haven't been truely happy in a long time and a lot of the time feel like my life is falling apart even though I have a lot of good things in my life that Inwish I could share with someone but I seem to just focus always on negatives. I've always had this inclination that nothing is ever good enough? Like I'm mad at the world.. I don't know why.

I lost my best friend to suicide 9 years ago and another friend to murder shortly before that happened.. all in my mid to late teens. I think some of these issues I'm having now is because of this, like I feel anyone who is close to me will perish and I just can't handle another close person in my life die. I spent years rebelling, drinking heavily. The last 2 years have been particularly hard, I still abuse alcohol a lot of the time and I believe it's because I'm starting to realize as I go into my late 20s that my window to find someone is closing and realizing how could I love someone if a lot of the time I hate myself. Damn even writing this scares me.

I know what I should do, yet don't have the balls to do so, or as this topic is about... scared to do. I know I should go talk to a therapist or whomever else but don't really know how to go about doing this. One day I hope to walk in that door and ask for help, and do it before it's to late.

[dissentowner]

I am afraid for my kids and what the future entails for them. The course we have set ourselves to in the future is certain disaster. Environmental issues that must be addressed are forsaken for the almighty dollar and profit. Human population is out of control and will consume more and more resources. Weapons of mass destruction are finding their way into terrorists hands and insane leaders. I love my kids but if I could do it over again I probably would have taken the proper precautions to ensure I had none.

[Puppet Guy]

My childhood fear of nuclear war has become very real again.

[OMG!WTF!]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

There's really not a surgical option being presented, I mean pretty much damaged is damaged, the brain's pretty good at rewiring stuff, but its never going to be the same.

At some point I tell myself, I'll just be able to accept whats going on and it will become the new normal.

There's an mma fighter who's experiencing some scary symptoms (actually I'm sure they all are) and is trying a lot of different therapies. One that sounds interesting is transcranial magnetic stimulation.

https://www.mmafighting.com/2017/8/8...er-is-a-regret

I think just because AHS says there's not much you can do about is absolutely no reason to give up on some kind of treatment. If you've got the money I'd research some options.

I've been lucky and avoided head trauma. I ran track in university and the football program gave a few of us a shot at a practice squad spot chasing wide receivers during summer camps and possibly a special teams spot during the season. I showed up, ran a few plays and was blown away by the speed, the intensity, the contact. Even though there was no full on hitting, the collisions were earth shattering. I couldn't believe people actually played anything at that level.

[Sainters7]

After spending the day at Heritage Park a couple weeks ago, when in the allegedly super haunted Prince House, I was afraid one of those dressed up in period costume mannequins behind the glass in the bedrooms upstairs was going to suddenly turn it's head and start talking to me...or hiss at me.

[Tron_fdc]

I love my kids more than anything in this world. More than life itself.

In the middle of a split with my wife battling mental issues, I fear for my kids.

I'm afraid of absolutely nothing.

Except that.

[JohnnyB]

Ha ha, within a week of each other CP has a thread about its twentieth anniversary and another thread in which many of the regular posters commiserate on issues of getting old...

Unfortunately, I too fear the impact of concussions I've sustained in life. The last concussion I had was maybe the most frightening experience of my life. Emotions completely out of control, couldn't think, couldn't even copy a sentence from a typed sheet of paper into a word processor as my brain couldn't make the connections. Broke down sobbing in front of my coworkers for no reason, at which point it was pretty clear I shouldn't be working.

My memory is not what it used to be either. It's frustrating and disappointing.

[DuffMan]

I've always wondered, what's the difference in getting knocked out in mma or boxing and a hockey or football concussion.