Preparing for the Passing of my Dad

[Calgary4LIfe]

I lost my mom 17 years ago from ALS. My dad just turned 90 a few weeks ago, and doctors didn't think he was going to make it to 85 - he has severe dementia and I have been looking after him full time for years now.

I know what you and your family are going through. Some pieces of advice from my personal experience:

1- don't forget to take breaks for yourself. You will need that energy for your dad's passing, and also the time shortly after.

2 - ask him th the questions now, and keep asking them. Things about his past, the history of your family, etc. Not only will it be good to hear about it all while he is still here, but I find it is a great way to bond and have him feel like he is contributing.

3 - this one should be obvious, but people sometimes forget it - he is still here and very much alive. Don't start mourning his passing. I am sure he would love to be surrounded by warm and smiling faces, and would really benefit from laughing. He still has time to enjoy life, and you should enjoy life with him.

4 - this is not an easy time for the strongest of us. Just remember that you are not alone. This is a time to make use of the people in this world that love you. Don't ever hesitate to ask for help from them. They will help keep you standing, and they will also help you get back up when those days become so difficult that you can't do anything else but cry. There is no shame in crying, so let it out when you can, and then go back to your dad with your smiling and comforting face, and help him enjoy the time he has left.

5 - this is the most difficult part - when that time does eventually arrive. Stay as calm as possible. Just hold his hand, tell him how much you love him, how proud you are of him, how he did so well and raised such a great family. I am not sure if you want to go that prepared, but there are some pretty helpful YouTube videos that do get you more prepared for that time. It isn't for everyone, but they are there if you feel you would like an idea of what to expect.

I am really sorry for what you and your family are going through. Just make sure you show him as much love as possible, and make sure you reach out and get as much support as you need.

[calgarywinning]

Very powerful posts.

My sincere best wishes for you BC-Chris and your father. I just think it is great that everyone can discuss and share their personal experiences to help you, by opening up and sharing theirs.

[curves2000]

I am in awe with some of the posts here and this has really opened up my eyes in a lot of ways.

I wish you and your family all the best during this devastating. I can't really offer much in the way of advice but here is a minor thing I remember when my grandfather passed away when I was young. After he passed away I remember writing in my little journal what had occurred even though I wasn't FULLY grasping the situation. I ended my post with "I hope grandpa is ok" I showed it to my mom and she kind of got a little upset/emotional with a "He isn't ok, he's gone!" I don't think it was anything major looking at it now, but when I was young it kind of startled me a bit. I am 32 now and I still vividly remember it. When it comes to little ones I guess the best thing is to tread carefully, acknowledge what happened but just be aware that certain things aren't being comprehended. In your case your little ones are VERY young but best of luck.

Just reading this thread has given me a new found appreciation for the little things that everybody is guilty of ignoring sometimes. I am going to try and improve on the little things so that we can all cherish the time we have with family because you never know when it might bite you in the ass.

My parents were never sports fans or anything so I don't have much in the way of Flames hockey memories with them but I think I might take a little break from the Flames. Looking back I have been a really dedicated fan but sometimes I am a little too emotionally invested and I know I am dedicated time wise as well so maybe I should tone it down a bit and try and spend more QUALITY time with my parents. We literally see each other daily but it would help if it was top notch time.

All the best going forward

[Northendzone]

my dad passed away at thanksgiving - he had been in the hospital for about a month with a knee infection, and it was like he just suddenly lost the will to live and he went from being pretty with when the Bomber were in town to play the Stamps to the next weekend.

He was moved from the hospital tot he hospice on a night where my son had a hockey practice, the next day I went to see my dad at the hospice and I was going to stop and run an errand; however, traffic was heavy on deerfoot and I could not exit where I wanted to, so I went directly to the hospice. When I saw my dad I was breathing in a very laboured fashion, and was non-responsive to me. I chatted with him (one way conversation) for about an hour - told him it was ok if he had to go and eventually I went tot eh washroom and when I came back he had passed away.

I thought the way the day played out was surreal in terms of not being able to exit off of deerfoot and then to have him pass when I stepped out.

I try and take solace in the fact that he likely felt better when he passed and than I hope to see him again someday.

the other day I added an event to our family calendar and as I entered the event, I noted it overlapped my dad's birthday - I had mixed feeling as I deleted his birthday from the calendar.

[Fuzz]

I lost my mom to cancer 13 years ago, she was way to young, and even though I was I my 20's, so was I. Looking back I wish I had more time with her to learn about her side of the family, as it was torn apart during the war and a lot of interesting things happened, that I have now learned from my aunt(who also now has cancer ). I'm mostly sad that she never got to see my brother and I get married, or have grand kids. So I'm sorry to hear, Chris and hope you can make the most of the time you have with him.

[bigtmac19]

I lost both my parents within 9 months of each other. You think you are prepared but you really aren't. All I can say is to spend as much time as possible with him, say everything you need to say. The videos are a great idea, especially of him with your children, they will appreciate that so much when they are older.

Time - we never have enough of it - so that's all really, use this time to forge those good memories for yourself and your family that, in the future, will bring a measure of comfort and peace.

[GreenLantern]

Sorry to hear this Chris. This is a bit of a weird one but I would say the thing I miss the most is the sound of my Mom's voice. I have trouble remembering that detail.. but we have home videos to help. So make sure you have some good videos of your Dad talking to your kids and to you. Something about hearing your lost parent say your name just brings back a flood of emotions and memories, at least for me.

[bossy22]

I lost my dad to cancer when I was 18. That was 30 years ago. I think about him everyday. He was your standard, no BS, never cry, hard working guy. Our family had never said I love you until that day. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It does get easier, but it still sucks, and will suck, especially at events.
Just be sure to be there for him, and laugh. Laugh a lot. It's hard, when you are so sad inside, but for his sake. Let him know you are ok, and you love him, and cherish this time.

[JonDuke]

Super sorry to here this, Chris. I lost my dad on Thanksgiving Day of 2015.
2 years prior to that, he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and we were given a timeline of 18 months. It financially broke my family here, but I flew back East very often. Sometimes for 2 weeks, and sometimes for a few days. I flew down for 48 hours to surprise him on his birthday. He died 2 weeks later and I'm forever grateful for making that trip. You're very fortunate to be in the same city as he is right now.

Some key advice I received, and lots of it came from a post here too:
Spending as much time with him as possible is a given, but talk lots. The letter is a great idea. Tell him how much of a great father he is. Tell him that you attribute your own passion for fatherhood because of how he raised you. Talk about great memories that you'll always remember. Laugh as much as you can together.

Get your dads voice recorded. Maybe for those letters to your kids? Letting them hear his voice again later on will mean the world to you all.

Best of luck to ya. If you ever need to PM a total stranger, I'm all ears.
Don't forget to take care of yourself too. Physically and emotionally. It's super important.
Thoughts are with ya and wishing your the best of luck through this tough journey.

[Northendzone]

Originally Posted by GreenLantern

This is a bit of a weird one but I would say the thing I miss the most is the sound of my Mom's voice.

man, this comment really hit home as my mom has alzhiemers/dementia and she now only makes sounds - earlier this year I called my dad, and he was not around and their answering machine picked up and it was my mom voice on the machine - made me wish I could have opne more conversation with her - she was always so positive and never had a bad word to say about her worst enemy.

[Buff]

I'm very sorry to hear of your tough news. I'm fortunate to have both my parents still. They are getting older, both in their mid/late 70s and while that isn't terribly old, the aspect of them that made me believe they were superheros is slowing fading away. I'm just trying to cherish all the time I have with them, and hoping for a long time still.

Find time for yourself to help ease the stress. Just a few minutes to do something that makes you laugh or smile. Maybe share that later with your loved ones so that you can all laugh or smile together.

[psyang]

I woke up this morning to this thread and did a double-take. My father-in-law was rushed to hospital last week after his heart stopped, and we just found out yesterday that he likely won't last two weeks. He turns 90 next month. I suspect it will be a bit crazy with phone calls and visits the next while as he was very well known in the Korean community.

Fortunately, he is fairly alert and responsive, and seems to recognize familiar faces though he can't always remember names. He knows he is well-loved and cared for and he has mentioned more than once that he is ready to go.

I am grateful that my mother-in-law and father-in-law have been living with us the last 7 years or so. We have memories of him teaching my kids asian calligraphy, or telling stories from his past like how he converted an abandoned jeep from the Korean war into a machine that shelled rice for his village, or how when he first arrived in North America, he carried small containers of hot sauce and garlic powder everywhere he went because western food was so bland.

It will be hardest, I think, for my mother-in-law. Having her live with us is a blessing as we can help her (though she is still very independent), but it's almost impossible to imagine her without her husband nearby. They faced many difficulties together, and through laughter and arguments, joy and sadness, met them head on.

My wife and her siblings are meeting tomorrow to discuss the things that need to be discussed during a time like this.

Thanks for letting me ramble a little. Thanks to Chris for starting this thread - sounds like you had a great relationship with your dad which is wonderful. That means not only will you have many great memories to draw on, but you've given many great memories to your dad.

Thanks to all the posters for the advice and also your own stories. They've been very helpful.

[psicodude]

I am really sorry for your loss, BC-Chris. While I haven't had to go through this personally, I saw the pic you posted and immediately placed my loved ones in it. Just the mere thought of it all really hurt. The strength you have shown here is remarkable.

While I have nothing to add, I just wanted to thank the posters here for reminding me that there are still people in this world that are capable of caring for people other than themselves. It is far too easy to focus on the hate, anger, politics, economy, etc. these days and forget what is actually important in this life. I appreciate the emotion and sincerity of this thread and that this community is able to open up and help others in their time of need.

[WhiteTiger]

I am sorry for your loss, BC-Chris, but thankful that you started this thread.

There have been a couple scares lately with my parents, and it's gotten me thinking. There's good stuff in here.

[jaginla]

As a younger poster just starting to realise his parents arent as young as they seemed in what feels like just a short while ago. This really hits me hard and has me dreading the future of dealing with it.

[DoubleF]

Sorry to hear BC-Chris.

I am wondering if your son is too young, what if you had your dad buy/make him a gift for graduation (ie: Age 18)? Could be as simple as an engraved pocket knife, pen or or watch. Maybe a bottle(s) of special Scotch or Cognac to sip on for certain celebratory purposes (if appropriate)?

Maybe get a matching set of something with your dad? Watch, bracelet, necklace etc.

I second the video suggestion. I think I should have recorded my grandma telling childhood stories. Relatives used to complain she'd say them on repeat, but now that she's gone, the stories feels so distant and the air emptier. It's only been a few months since her passing and it seems like the memories are fading away.

The writing letter suggestion is a great idea. My dad also spent time to write a letter to the rest of his siblings and in laws after the whole resolution of the funeral etc.

Finally, don't let anyone continue forward with any regrets/upset. Resolve those immediately. Sometimes, they're the silliest things ever. Always remember, there's nothing that can't be let go. Money can be made later, pride can be restored... time and opportunity is finite.

I wish you and your family the best, again, BC-Chris.

[CaptainYooh]

One more thing, bc-chris. Consider writing a eulogy now and read it to your Dad. It does sound uncomfortable, but perhaps, he'd wanna know what is going to be said about him. Maybe, he'll have something to add, a funny story or detail that he'd want his friends/family to remember him by.

[bc-chris]

thanks again guys

DoubleF - my dad already gave me a pocket watch for Matthew that was his grand father's - so that's pretty awesome. i have a pocket watch that is from my mom's side of the family (from when her dad passed away)

i do really like the video idea and will approach him about it. i hope he goes for it. it will be brutal to record but soooo worth it. i'd love it too if he would say some birthday/anniversary greetings for my mom. it will be so hard for her to watch but at the same time i think it would be so precious to her.

my dad and i have pretty much always been on great terms (which i'm so thankful for), so all the stuff i'll be saying to him in my letter is just reaffirming him and telling him in different ways how much he means to me.

Capt - i'm not sure who is writing the eulogy. i'll have to ask my folks tomorrow when i see them. i know my mom wants me to go with her to the funeral home to get things started on that stuff - not looking forward to that.


again - thanks to all who have been posting in here. i truly appreciate all the stuff in the thread

[White Out 403]

Lost my mom to cancer in February last year. We knew it was coming around January.. but it was a roller coaster. Good news, bad news, good news, terrible news.

The only thing I can suggest is don't leave things unsaid. If you have a special memory of your dad that you care about deeply, tell him. If he motivated you to achieve something, tell him about it.

I know how tough a time this is, I lived it... I still live it. Be there for your Mom and make sure your Dad knows you'll take care of her.

[bizaro86]

One suggestion along the line of a video would be having him read a recordable storybook for you kids. Basically, they're a book with a recordable section for each page. The kids can press a button and hear him reading the book to them. Hallmark sells them I think.