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Old 04-09-2017, 11:54 AM   #41
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Roll your sleeves up and get involved right from the outset. We had twins and my wife had a c-section, so I had no choice - for the first 48 hours I did all the swaddling, changing diapers, burping, everything except feeding. In the end, it gave me the confidence that I can (and should) do everything as much as my wife except the feeding part. And when we did switch to bottles, it was 50/50 on that as well.

I have friends who kind of hung back and let their wife do almost all of the changing, swaddling, burping, etc., and it established a dynamic that caused problems later. This isn't 1980 anymore. Step up.

The nurses will recommend that the family bond together at home with little or no visitors for the first couple days. Listen to them. As others have suggested, ask your support network for food. Don't let moms and mother-in-laws meddle. You'll need their support, but don't get elbowed out of the way as the dad. Again, this isn't 1980 anymore.

Establish a sleep and feeding schedule that enables your wife to get the rest she needs. Cherish the time when you're alone with your child. Those bonds are forever.
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Old 04-09-2017, 12:17 PM   #42
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What? His whole post was about how the majority of the time being a dad sucks. I simply pointed out his post better described being an Oilers fan than being a dad. It described the Oilers players much better than being a father. Anyhow I don't want to keep derailing the thread. If you agree with his description of being a father I am sorry it has been such a downer for both of you.
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Old 04-09-2017, 12:30 PM   #43
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Here's the thing - if all you ever hear is that being a parent is the best thing ever and it's all roses and you are going to feel complete, i think you're in for a major letdown when you realise it actually sucks some of the time. Little sleep, cranky kids, fighting with the wife because you're both stressed and tired and sick and tired. That stuff all happens and I'm not about to sugarcoat it.

Are there good times? Of course there are. But i choose to not gloss over the bad times.

I think it was two or three weeks in when my wife and I contemplated throwing the kid outside in a snowbank, getting a good night's sleep, and then deal with the police in the morning. Of course we were joking, but the things you think about at 2:00am when you're exhausted as all hell.
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Old 04-09-2017, 12:33 PM   #44
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Everyone is going to give a pile of advice about sleep/feeding whatever, it's all well intentioned, but every kid is different and you'll figure out what works best for you.

I also found as dad the first few months the hardest, babies are plastered to mom a lot of the time and don't do much. Once they start being more interactive (smiling etc.) and being awake for longer it feels the bond gets stronger.
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Old 04-09-2017, 12:34 PM   #45
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-dont watch
-Kids are annoying
-kids are needy
-Sometimes it's fun, many times it's not
-I don't feel "enriched" or "complete" or anything like that

Good luck!
I empathize with this a little bit. Our first was very difficult. Didn't crawl, just laid on the floor until just before the normal expectation timeline of walking was almost closed. Then boom he stood up and walked. Same with speach, was a total mute. Every single milestone was delayed and we took him for countless tests. All came back fine. To top it off he had a very cold personality.

My wife took it the hardest. She thought she was a failure as a mother. We hated being parents for a long time. We almost didn't want to have a second but my brave wife finally came around.

Our second is polar opposite. He is loving, warm, funny and is ahead on every milestone. We raised him the exact same. My wife feels validated.

Oh and my first. He is an amazing kid now. Turns out he is exceptionally gifted in math and science. He was spending that first year studying us and building his cognitive side. He's way easier now and we are all happier.

So play the long game is my advice. Not all kids are perfect and they develop different. Don't go into this thinking it will be amazing all the time or right away.

Just let it happen and love your kid no matter what. Ya that sounds cliche but keep repeating that for the next few years during the tough times.
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Old 04-09-2017, 12:40 PM   #46
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Our second is polar opposite. He is loving, warm, funny and is ahead on every milestone. We raised him the exact same. My wife feels validated.
To add to this, if you have a difficult kid a lot of parents that had it easy seem to think they are parenting experts. Sometimes you just lucky with a really easy kid and it has nothing to do with parenting, don't let them make you feel bad.
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Old 04-09-2017, 12:51 PM   #47
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Another one -- my kid hating being swaddled. Would just scream and squirm until he was free from it himself or we unwrapped him. So day 3, we just didn't bother, and he fell asleep with his arms up by his head and loved it. Never even tried swaddling again. Moral is, just because it's the recommended thing most babies like, doesn't mean yours will.
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Old 04-09-2017, 01:02 PM   #48
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To add to this, if you have a difficult kid a lot of parents that had it easy seem to think they are parenting experts. Sometimes you just lucky with a really easy kid and it has nothing to do with parenting, don't let them make you feel bad.
I cannot emphasis or thank this post enough. When we had our first child, the Kitty Raymond sleep training was in vogue, and everyone told us that if it wasn't working, we weren't trying hard enough. We tried really hard with that and sometimes I worry we did permanent emotional damage. Our second just slept through the night naturally, without any effort.
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Old 04-09-2017, 01:11 PM   #49
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Good thread lots of good advice. My fiancé and I are expecting our first in August. Still a ways a way, but nervous and excited at the same time.

What do you guys find was a good amount of time off from work when the little one was born? I'll be taking a week off for sure, but also debating maybe even two weeks.
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Old 04-09-2017, 01:43 PM   #50
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I just had my first child 10 days ago. It's crazy how quickly you go from a reasonably well functioning adult to a scared anxious nervous wreck once the baby is born.

My advice is to understand that every one including doctors, nurses, astronauts, and baby experts will tell you different ways you are suppose to handle the same situation. It actually makes your head spin. Sometimes you have to carve your own path and do what works for you even though a nurse said something different.

Also don't let them shame you into breast feeding. Sometimes it's not in the cards. My wife has had a tough time with it and the nurses are relentless. My wife has issues with volume and having extreme pain when the baby is trying to feed. We have been pumping and giving the baby as much breast milk as we can via the bottle. We supplement with formula. Nurses have just been shaming my wife because we are using a bottle and formula. We finally went to a lactation specialist and they were far more understanding and helpful.
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Old 04-09-2017, 01:51 PM   #51
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Especially egregious crap when most of the evidence did pushing breastfeeding is pseudoscience.

Breastfeeding is best, but only slightly and only for a few specific reasons. It doesn't increase IQ, decrease asthma risk, etc. It may decrease risk of some communicable illnesses, but that is about it.
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Old 04-09-2017, 01:58 PM   #52
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Also babies sleep longer with infant formula because it's digested slower. (This is anecdotal pseudoscience though)

As for vacation I think a week is good to start so you can save vacation days for later on that first year. With a C-section a little longer might help to where your wife is fairly mobile and can do light lifting again.

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Old 04-09-2017, 02:11 PM   #53
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I think giving formula in a bottle is a helluva great way at night to give your wife a break and let her sleep.
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Old 04-09-2017, 02:16 PM   #54
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Also babies sleep longer with infant formula because it's digested slower. (This is anecdotal pseudoscience though)

As for vacation I think a week is good to start so you can save vacation days for later on that first year. With a C-section a little longer might help to where your wife is fairly mobile and can do light lifting again.
I'm taking 2 weeks off but the following week Im out of town for work Thursday-Sunday. That's going to be a trying weekend for sure.
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Old 04-09-2017, 02:32 PM   #55
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I just had my first child 10 days ago. It's crazy how quickly you go from a reasonably well functioning adult to a scared anxious nervous wreck once the baby is born.

My advice is to understand that every one including doctors, nurses, astronauts, and baby experts will tell you different ways you are suppose to handle the same situation. It actually makes your head spin. Sometimes you have to carve your own path and do what works for you even though a nurse said something different.

Also don't let them shame you into breast feeding. Sometimes it's not in the cards. My wife has had a tough time with it and the nurses are relentless. My wife has issues with volume and having extreme pain when the baby is trying to feed. We have been pumping and giving the baby as much breast milk as we can via the bottle. We supplement with formula. Nurses have just been shaming my wife because we are using a bottle and formula. We finally went to a lactation specialist and they were far more understanding and helpful.
What the hell? I just saw your wife, I didnt realize she was that far along.

Congrats man!

You're going to be spending a whole lot less on ballet shoes, so I hope you enjoyed it while you could.
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Old 04-09-2017, 02:40 PM   #56
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I think giving formula in a bottle is a helluva great way at night to give your wife a break and let her sleep.
And really this is the one extreme advantage of breast feeding!

(Relax, I'm mostly joking...)
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Old 04-09-2017, 03:03 PM   #57
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What the hell? I just saw your wife, I didnt realize she was that far along.

Congrats man!

You're going to be spending a whole lot less on ballet shoes, so I hope you enjoyed it while you could.
Thanks dude! Yeah I never thought she looked like she got to the OMG she is going to pop phase of pregnancy. She was 6 days past due when she was induced.

Of course you don't understand the dance world. If you think just because it's a boy that dance mom isn't going to have him in some form of dance then you're wrong. I am ok with it ..... as long as it helps him in other aspects of sports. You know kind of like the whole Jeff Skinner figure skating thing.
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Old 04-09-2017, 03:14 PM   #58
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Especially egregious crap when most of the evidence did pushing breastfeeding is pseudoscience.

Breastfeeding is best, but only slightly and only for a few specific reasons. It doesn't increase IQ, decrease asthma risk, etc. It may decrease risk of some communicable illnesses, but that is about it.
What? No...let's scale it back there. Almost every healthcare provider I have spoken to says that breastfeeding is the best option. LITERALLY every OB/GYN I have spoken to says that breastfeeding is preferred, and that you should try it first before moving to formula. It isn't about shaming anyone, it's just the best option for BOTH baby and mom, and is actually the easiest when it comes to logistics of feeding a child. Nurses will often keep trying to get the mom to breastfeed for immunity reasons, but also because new mom's often have trouble with the process of breastfeeding, and many want to give up right away so they keep trying while being encouraging (most of the time) so that mom's give breastfeeding a really good shot before doing something else.





As for advice: I reference The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.......DON'T PANIC.

Trust your instincts. If it seems like the right thing to do, it likely is fine. Everyone has different styles of parenting, and you have to be authentic to yourself. As long as what you're doing isn't dangerous...go for it.

Sleep whenever and wherever you can. Purchase quick meditation guides for sleep so you can quickly fall asleep when you need to. Buy eye masks and ear plugs for those times you are sleeping in the middle of the day with a lot of noise around. The more rested you are, the more you can parent effectively. It also keeps tension down between partners.

Don't be reluctant to ask for help or time away from the baby. EVERYONE needs downtime, and if you don't get a little now and then you will explode or fall apart. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your little one and each other. Plan time for yourself when you can.

Do all the little things that your partner usually does. She has a LOT on her plate, so you can be the hero by taking care of any cleaning, cooking, shopping, errands...whatever she normally takes care of (not trying to be sexist by saying those as examples BTW). Just make sure she can focus on the baby, and that she also has an opportunity for down time of her own. Take 1-2 of the feeding/changing shifts at night so she can get a little more rest in a row.

Just know that whatever phase the baby is in, whether it's good or bad, know that it will change in 2 weeks and you will have a new situation to consider. It won't stay bad for very long, and it won't be good forever either. Be prepared for things to change overnight.
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Old 04-09-2017, 03:16 PM   #59
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Thanks dude! Yeah I never thought she looked like she got to the OMG she is going to pop phase of pregnancy. She was 6 days past due when she was induced.

Of course you don't understand the dance world. If you think just because it's a boy that dance mom isn't going to have him in some form of dance then you're wrong. I am ok with it ..... as long as it helps him in other aspects of sports. You know kind of like the whole Jeff Skinner figure skating thing.
Okay...we are on totally different pages.

I was just thinking that since your wife just had a kid she would likely be doing less dancing.

I cannot comment on the amount of dancing your kid will eventually do.
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Old 04-09-2017, 03:16 PM   #60
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Hrmm interesting, I never thought I would have the option to go home. Even this baby class we are taking put on by the health region has already told me I am the bad guy if I do. But it is also run by one of those nurses who thinks she knows more than the doctors. Gotta love those types. Wait, you've got years of school and training in this specific are? That's nice, I'm a nurse. *smug face* I'll just reference this thread during our argument.
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