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Old 08-02-2017, 10:12 PM   #21
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My wife's cousin carried a baby to full term only to have it be stillborn, basically a miscarriage at full term. That was heartbreaking to watch. They were devastated. It's a little more severe when you're so close to giving birth. You pick out names, get rooms ready, make plans; all for naught. They gave him a full funeral and still celebrate his "birthday" every year. They were forever changed by the experience.

The good news is they tried again and have a wonderful healthy boy that they love dearly.

I guess what I'm saying is that grieving for your loss is normal and should be done, but the future always holds hope for better things.



I say this as my wife and I ended up going to the hospital today because she was dangerously dehydrated with a heart rate over 150 bpm. 8 months pregnant and all....I nearly shat myself. It's scary when the health of loved ones takes a turn for the worse, especially when they're carrying a future loved one inside them.
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:19 PM   #22
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This may seem odd but I find comfort in the fact that if not for the miscarriage I wouldn't have my daughter. I would have a different kid who I would have loved just as much - but I can't imagine my life and world without my daughter.
Without the miscarriage she doesn't exist.
So for some reason I find comfort in that.
This is how I think of it, not that it helps Makarov at this moment but it probably will be similar in some way one day for him.

I saw the thread and thought 'Oh yeah. I could be driving some other kid to camp tomorrow'.

It happens and seek resources that can help if you guys need it.
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:23 PM   #23
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Dont feel like you have to treat this as a baby. You can if you want to but don't feel guilty if you don't have feelings for it or after a month you don't think about it ever again. We had one in between our two kids and after the first two weeks it wasn't a big deal. It actually softened my views on the ethics of abortion. I bring it up because later with some Acquaintances the topic came up and they thought we were monsters.

I really feel sorry for people though who have chronic miscarriages.

Focus on the good news. You are fertile and can become pregnant.
He even said in his post how devastated they are, and this is the crap you decide to post? Show some tact man.
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:28 PM   #24
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He even said in his post how devastated they are, and this is the crap you decide to post? Show some tact man.
Reread my post, this type of reaction is exactly the reaction I was talking about. Judging my reaction to my experience. People have different responses to them. I shared my story and my experience and you have no right to judge my reaction.

Last edited by GGG; 08-02-2017 at 10:33 PM. Reason: Over reaction
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:29 PM   #25
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Reread my post, this type of reaction is exactly the reaction I was talking about. Judging my reaction to my experience. People have different responses to them. I shared my story and you are being an insensitive ####### judging my reaction to my experience.

So go #### yourself.
Oilers fans...
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:30 PM   #26
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Obviously, starting this thread was mostly an exercise in indulgent self-pity. But I completely agree with Wild GM that people should discuss this topic more openly (especially considering how common it is.) I hope, in the future, this thread is "hijacked" by other posters who inevitably go through similar experiences.
I was going to PM you our condolences but I do agree that this is a topic that needs to be open to fight the stigma of miscarriages and stillborn deliveries.
I'm very sorry to hear that this happened to you and your family. This was something that happened to close friends of ours very recently and I'm still never quite sure what to say or how to help. All we have been doing is just being there for them and letting them know that they are not alone. I hope you have similar support in your lives and CP too can be a supportive community in times of need, so I'm glad you are able to reach out.

If there is anything a random internet person can help you guys with, please don't hesitate to reach out

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Old 08-02-2017, 10:49 PM   #27
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I'm sorry for your loss Makarov. I think maybe there wasn't a thread before because miscarriage and loss isn't talked about much in general, but if it is talked about it's more often talked about between women, I think. But thank you for starting the thread and being open about your feelings, hopefully it helps to talk about it and know you and your wife aren't alone.

You can add me to the list of those who have had a loss (at about 7 weeks). It really is surprisingly common but that knowledge doesn't necessarily make it any easier when it happens to you.

I think some people do find it very devastating and difficult, and some people get over it more quickly (ie GGG). I think in some cases that might be a reflection of how far the pregnancy had progressed and also it might sometimes be easier for a Dad to "get over it" than a Mom. It's hard when it's your body, to not feel guilty or to blame somehow, even though it's never anyone's fault it's just the course of nature unfortunately.
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Old 08-02-2017, 11:56 PM   #28
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Life sure teaches you things. When I was younger I thought you just looked at a woman and she would get pregnant, and bam you're having a baby. Sometimes I think it would be way better to have some teaching on how challenging getting pregnant can be, and how common miscarriage is. It's probably something many of us now share though, knowing how fragile life is, and the capacity that is built up from having gone through tough things like this.

For my wife and I, while incredibly heartbreaking and difficult, miscarriage was something we went through together, and something only the two of us can really appreciate between ourselves. A crisis in our family that we were there to support each other through, a moment in time that you can express how you really are there for each other. (I'm sure not unlike many other trials people face).

I think the hardest thing for me once we had experienced miscarriage was going into future pregnancies no longer ignorant. It actually added a weight of 'what if' that prevented me at times from fully appreciating the joy. If I could give any advice I'd say do your best when you're pregnant again to not worry about what could happen, and enjoy each day. The trials in life will show you that you can get through them when they come, and come out on the other side with more capacity; but when you have moments where it's time to live in the joy, step into it fully. This has been hard for me, because my instinct wants me to brace for (possible) impact, but looking back I wish I would have lowered my guard and lived in the moment more when things went well.

I am thankful looking back that I was able to be there to support my wife and grieve with her when things did not go as planned. Those were actually very valuable times in our relationship ultimately, even though I would have never wanted or chose to have gone through them.
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Old 08-03-2017, 12:06 AM   #29
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A few of points I'm not sure is comforting, but may help in the future. They helped us.

One, it will affect your next pregnancy. Not medically, but you'll both be worried. It's ok. You'll get through that.

Two, the reason they used to say 3 missed periods is that if the fetus is still viable at 12 weeks, the risk of miscarriage drops. That's when you can let put some breath.

Three, make sure she knows it's not her fault. That guilt can be awful and there's almost no chance it's anything she did. Watch for that even if she says she doesn't out of bravado
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Old 08-03-2017, 07:08 AM   #30
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We had one at around the same time. We were lucky in that we already had our son to cling to and help us through it. But we now also have an amazing little girl. Your wife, especially, will more than likely have a rough go for awhile. Be there for her.
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Old 08-03-2017, 07:25 AM   #31
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That's devastating.
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Old 08-03-2017, 07:54 AM   #32
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Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss. I've never had that happen, but I can't imagine how devastated I would be.

Secondly, find support for yourself, and be the support for your wife. Like many said, she may begin to blame herself, and you need to support her while she comes to the realization that it wasn't and sometimes nature just happens. Sounds like CP is good support for many people.

Also, I would try to remember the positives. At least you got pregnant. My wife and I struggled for a long time and we thought one or both of us were infertile. Many couples never even experience the excitement of finding out they are pregnant and that is special feeling.
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Old 08-03-2017, 08:06 AM   #33
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I'm really sorry to hear about that. My sister and her husband were pregnant a couple months ago. They filled in the entire family on the news and I was expecting be be an uncle come winter and both parents were thrilled to be grandparents.

Then a month later, news that a miscarriage occurred. My sister took it pretty hard and seeing my Mom cry was pretty heartbreaking.

But in the end, you realise that this is all part of nature and this happens a lot more often then anyone is willing to discuss. We just have to trust that the human body is doing what is right for itself. The body's number 1 purpose is to survive. Not to live a happy life. Not to have a good job or get married. Purpose #1 is survival and we just have to trust that the person's body was doing what it thought was right.

One of my aunts had 6 miscarriages before she finally gave birth to an amazing young girl. And as someone said already, she takes solace in the fact that although she would have loved each of those children as much as her current one, she can't imagine her life without her.

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Old 08-03-2017, 08:40 AM   #34
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Very sorry.

This topic came up in the Dad thread. There are resources/support here:

http://www.projectbear.com/Resources.html

I find this touching:

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Old 08-03-2017, 09:02 AM   #35
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I'm very sorry for your and your family's loss.
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Old 08-03-2017, 09:34 AM   #36
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Sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry for your wife. Melissa Rauch (Bernadette in The Big Bang Theory) wrote an essay about her experience with miscarriage and it may be worth a read for you both. It was and emotional and therapeutic read for a friend of mine who lost her baby a few months in:

https://www.glamour.com/story/actres...on-miscarriage
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Old 08-03-2017, 09:49 AM   #37
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First of all, condolences for your loss. Commonality doesn't make this any easier to handle.

But I cannot express enough the importance of the comments above about getting help if you need it. My mom had a miscarriage in the late 70s, 10 weeks in, and she was absolutely crushed by it. Of course this was the late 70s so support resources weren't then what they are now, they basically gave her some sedatives and that was it. 40 years later, every year when mid-October rolls around and the anniversary of her miscarriage gets close, my mom goes into a deep depression. She never handled it in the first place, and I feel like it will likely haunt her forever.

So make sure that you and your wife both get any support that you need for this. This was not her fault (nor yours), this is a horribly sad thing that unfortunately just happens sometimes. Take care of yourself, but keep a close eye on her as well.
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Old 08-03-2017, 09:53 AM   #38
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First of all, condolences for your loss. Commonality doesn't make this any easier to handle.

But I cannot express enough the importance of the comments above about getting help if you need it. My mom had a miscarriage in the late 70s, 10 weeks in, and she was absolutely crushed by it. Of course this was the late 70s so support resources weren't then what they are now, they basically gave her some sedatives and that was it. 40 years later, every year when mid-October rolls around and the anniversary of her miscarriage gets close, my mom goes into a deep depression. She never handled it in the first place, and I feel like it will likely haunt her forever.

So make sure that you and your wife both get any support that you need for this. This was not her fault (nor yours), this is a horribly sad thing that unfortunately just happens sometimes. Take care of yourself, but keep a close eye on her as well.
Just to build on this, the men in these situations have a lot to shoulder. They have to deal with their own grief and also be a source of support for their spouses who are (understandably) going through the experience in a much more personal way. So as witty wisely said, take care of yourself (so you can be a better support for her as well).
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Old 08-03-2017, 10:43 AM   #39
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That would be very difficult, especially if you've had trouble getting pregnant in the first place.

Just don't give up -- one of my wife's best friends had a miscarriage on their first at around 8 weeks, but they've gone on to have two successful pregnancies since then (including a higher risk pregnancy of twins that went to term) so, even if everything is good, it can just happen for no real reason. Don't lose hope and keep at it, and make sure to keep talking to each other and supporting each other.
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