Birdnesting

[photon]

I think the back and forth would probably work much better with teens.

EDIT: I could see it being very difficult for my kid though teen or not, being a spectrum kid routine and consistency are very important.

[GGG]

Originally Posted by photon

I think the back and forth would probably work much better with teens.

EDIT: I could see it being very difficult for my kid though teen or not, being a spectrum kid routine and consistency are very important.

For me the routine thing is why I think it wouldn't work staying in one house. All of a sudden the rules are different in the same house seems more challenging then a routine of going back and forth. I would think after an initial adjustment period that a child on the spectrum would adapt to the new routine but be much more sensitive to missed weeks or swapping nights.

[photon]

The rules wouldn't (or shouldn't) be different in the same house though. Both parents know the routine and how important it is. The routine in our house remains the same if I or her happen to be out of town for a week. But if it did change as you say, if one parent decided to not maintain the routine and go with a different one for some reason, then yeah going back and forth might make it easier in that case (routine attached to the location).

[Amethyst]

Yeah, I don't think the rules should be changing if you decide to use this system. That would be one of the things that need to be agreed on - similar to household repairs and maintenance. If it's something like Mom makes one kind of dinners and Dad makes something else, I don't think it's going to confuse anybody based on the house. They know Mom and Dad are different.

[Dynamic]

I'm going through a divorce with 2 young kids. All I can say is that you must be able to move on with your life and while this may be a short term option, long term it would be really tough.

Part of doing what is best for the kids is also taking care of your needs and not getting stuck along the way. For me I had to sell and move on. Now both of us are right close to each other and we co-parent pretty good. She has her life and I got my life. I am much happier now and that bodes well for the kids because they need a happy dad.

[FBI]

Originally Posted by ResAlien

Well then the argument would be is it really what's best for the kids? Because a big part of what's best for them is having two happy parents who have their own fulfilling lives. How are either of you really going to be able to move on with your lives in this situation?

As someone who has gone through a divorce with kids I'd say that one thing that gets forgotten when "putting the kids first" is yourself. If you're not happy then that makes it's way down to them. It's not selfish or being a bad parent to make choices to help you move forward with your life as well. This theory sounds alright for the kids at the house but I'm not a fan. How long do you expect this situation to last? Are we talking months or years?

Well we are locked into a one year lease. But definitely this concept is a "transition" concept I feel. Helping your kids transition into something new. My kids are very young 5, and 3, so I really want to be the best father I can be for them.

[FBI]

Originally Posted by photon

I've heard a lot more about this kind of thing lately, especially the kind where the people keep living in the same house. I even know a couple of cases. It seems to work well for them, basically it's like having a roommate I guess. That probably wouldn't work for couples that fight all the time, that'd probably be worse for the kid than having to go back and forth.

But for people that are separating because they simply don't care for each other anymore and can still get along well enough to be roommates it seems to be an option. Certainly is a lot cheaper too.

As for it not working when one person meets someone else, I guess it depends.. when my sister got divorced she always made a point of never letting whatever relationship she was in get into her kid's life, at least when he was younger. Only when he was older and her relationship was more serious did she start to get them to interact. Which seemed reasonable to me, rather than have a bunch of different people coming in and out of his life.

Not for everyone, but I can see it working in some cases. And I didn't even know it had a name until reading the thread.

This is essentially what we have been doing for almost a year. Living like roommates in the same house, sleeping in separate bedrooms and only talking about logistics. It feels pretty toxic. But this apartment definitely feels lonely. It's like the apartment is the "lonely place" and the house is the "fun place" back with the kids.

[FBI]

Originally Posted by GGG

As a child of divorced parents when I was grade 6 or so I don't think this actually beneficial. To me rules in one house were moderately different from rules on the other house. In my case we came home and did homework right away but chores were less of a big deal I. The other house we cooked supper first and then did homework. The routine was different with different parents. I think that if I were to have maintained the same house while my parents moved in and out it would have been much more disruptive. Simple things like the expectation of the cleanliness of my room each day or week would likely cause conflict unless I had the most diligent and compromising parents ever.

From my perspective staying a reasonable distance from friends and school is very important. The physical location of my bedroom is relatively meaningless.

The most important thing to me or maybe the thing that bothered me the most was any negative statements about the other parent. Even just little unintentional comments were hurtful.

So my recommendation would be stay in the same neighbourhood but most importantly support each other as parents and any negative thoughts or discussion about the other spouse should not happen within earshot of Your children

Yup I'm reading lots of coparenting books and this is definitely a big one. We are doing quite well on not bashing the other parent around the kids. And we are definitely on the same page with regards to discipline/rules for kids etc. those seem to be essential fundamentals of coparenting. (I even cringe at the word sigh)

[photon]

Originally Posted by FBI

This is essentially what we have been doing for almost a year. Living like roommates in the same house, sleeping in separate bedrooms and only talking about logistics. It feels pretty toxic. But this apartment definitely feels lonely. It's like the apartment is the "lonely place" and the house is the "fun place" back with the kids.

I feel for you, I guess all we can ever do is try things to make the best of a situation.

Interesting that the transactional feels toxic, is that just because it's compared to a happier time? I.e. if the other person was just a roommate that you found by advertising a room to rent, would it still feel that way? I guess maybe that's not a fair question because no one can just ignore a bunch of history.

I guess one advantage of the "lonely place" is that you can allocate the me time ppl have mentioned, so rather than having to daily choose between staying home and maybe feeling guilty about going out, you basically have a "me place" and a week or whatever to schedule something to help do things to build yourself up?

[FBI]

Yeah I just have to change my mentality about this place. Get the guys over for poker night etc. I should clarify, I didn't mean this new situation is "toxic", I meant the old staying in the house with each other and not talking was toxic.

[Amethyst]

Originally Posted by FBI

Yup I'm reading lots of coparenting books and this is definitely a big one. We are doing quite well on not bashing the other parent around the kids. And we are definitely on the same page with regards to discipline/rules for kids etc. those seem to be essential fundamentals of coparenting. (I even cringe at the word sigh)

Really, that is the most important thing. Even if your ex is the worst person in the world, you should never tell your kids that. No matter what, that person is still their mother/ father and they love you both.

Not to say you are doing that, but just in general. I used to work with a lot of kids whose parents weren't together and the ones who struggled the most were the ones whose parents complained about the other parent in front of the kids.

[saXon]

My ex and I couldn't work it out after 14 years and 3 kids. She was having more sex than I was. I tried to keep the marriage together for a year and a half after I caught her and she couldn't quit.

As we went to counseling, and read pretty much every book out there on divorce, infidelity, and holding a marriage together, I came to the realization that it's not just about the kids. They are a huge part of your lives, however, and making things the simplest can tend to be the best result for everyone. Once I simplified, my kids settled right down, even after a move into a new place, and eventually meeting my girlfriend after a couple years of dating under the radar.

Kids tend to deal with change much better than adults do. However you need to live your own life too. If you are up for trying the rotating nest situation, and it makes sense, then do it. If it seems to be too much, then move on. Your happiness (and alternatively your ex's) trickles down into those kids.

(Another word of advice, don't introduce new people into your kids' lives unless you have a strong relationship with the new partner and plan on being with them for a long while. A revolving door of new significants can confuse and hurt your children emotionally. Kids attach pretty quick. Something else my ex can't seem to wrap her head around. )

[FBI]

Originally Posted by saXon

My ex and I couldn't work it out after 14 years and 3 kids. She was having more sex than I was. I tried to keep the marriage together for a year and a half after I caught her and she couldn't quit.

As we went to counseling, and read pretty much every book out there on divorce, infidelity, and holding a marriage together, I came to the realization that it's not just about the kids. They are a huge part of your lives, however, and making things the simplest can tend to be the best result for everyone. Once I simplified, my kids settled right down, even after a move into a new place, and eventually meeting my girlfriend after a couple years of dating under the radar.

Kids tend to deal with change much better than adults do. However you need to live your own life too. If you are up for trying the rotating nest situation, and it makes sense, then do it. If it seems to be too much, then move on. Your happiness (and alternatively your ex's) trickles down into those kids.

(Another word of advice, don't introduce new people into your kids' lives unless you have a strong relationship with the new partner and plan on being with them for a long while. A revolving door of new significants can confuse and hurt your children emotionally. Kids attach pretty quick. Something else my ex can't seem to wrap her head around. )

My story is similar. I've tried to keep the marriage together too. Probably a lot for the kids. In my case I'm the primary caregiver for the kids so I'm used to being around them non stop. So even the every other weekend thing is hard, not seeing them.

[rotten42]

Originally Posted by ResAlien

Well then the argument would be is it really what's best for the kids? Because a big part of what's best for them is having two happy parents who have their own fulfilling lives. How are either of you really going to be able to move on with your lives in this situation?

As someone who has gone through a divorce with kids I'd say that one thing that gets forgotten when "putting the kids first" is yourself. If you're not happy then that makes it's way down to them. It's not selfish or being a bad parent to make choices to help you move forward with your life as well. This theory sounds alright for the kids at the house but I'm not a fan. How long do you expect this situation to last? Are we talking months or years?

This is so true. If each parent doesn't put their mental health first then it is going to adversely effect the children. Kind of the same thing as when married to put your relationship with your spouse before everything.

In my case I just bought a house in the next community over. I lived 3 blocks away from the old place. The kids kept the same school and schedule. They just switches houses every week. It really wasn't that much of a change.