Losing a parent

[bluck]

My Dad was diagnosed with Cancer last year and unfortunately his battle is coming to an end. He's only 57 and I'm 26. It's been a tough couple of days for me when we found out his treatment was no longer working and he didn't have much time left. I can't honestly see myself moving on without my Dad, he's my best friend and literally means the world to me. How do you cope with losing a parent especially when you know they only have a few short weeks left? Has anyone ever been through this? I appreciate all your answers

[corporatejay]

I lost my dad at 26 (he was 50). He died suddenly of a heart attack and much like you he was my best friend, we were super close. It's been really hard, especially now that I have 2 kids and he's not there to meet them. He also missed my wedding, my graduation from law school and getting called to the bar.

That being said, I draw a lot of comfort from the time we did have and the special relationships we had together. I had no regrets about our relationship and I get a lot of mileage with that.

I cannot recommend grief counselling enough, it will help you work through a lot of issues. Good luck man, I know the pain you're feeling.

[IGGYFORMVP]

I guess one way to look at it is you had 26 years with a great man that you loved. Many of us have had 0 years with a dad like that. Make the most of the time that you have left and feel blessed that you were lucky to have someone like that to begin with.

I hope this doesn't come off as cold, its not meant too.

[Scoopdogg]

I just went through this with my mom, she passed away on April 2nd after a long battle with pancreatic cancer. She fought it for 4 years which is amazing considering the stats associated to this type of cancer.

Towards the end the cancer had spread to her stomach and they told us 6-8 weeks. Well, 10 days later she was gone and I'm actually happy it went quick. The last couple weeks of her life were tough to watch especially knowing what a fighter she was.

The only advice I can give is to be there for your dad, even though he doesn't have much time left and his condition will get worse, just being there for them can be comforting. I spent a lot of hours next to my mom towards the end and I have peace knowing that I was there for her during her last days. There is no magical cure to get over the grief of losing a parent, it will take time to heal. Just remember all the good times you spent with your dad and hang onto those memories.

Hopefully you have a good support structure around to lean on as this will help out immensely.

Hang in there Bluck, I feel for you.

[Finger Cookin]

My Mom passed away 1.5 years ago and I'm still not over it. It was a long time coming for her after a battle with cancer as well -- but it didn't make it any easier when she finally succumbed.

I wish I had more to say. I'm still figuring this out myself.

[jeffporfirio]

There is no easy way to cope with loosing a parent.
I lost my dad in 2011, he was 76, I was 38.
Honor his memory, remember the good times, the words of wisdom, the times shared (even the quite times), and pass them on.
Personally, for me my faith was my biggest help.

Hang in there, I share your pain.

[Royle9]

Just the thought of what you're going through Bluck as well as reading some of the stories shared below makes the ol eyes itchy. Cant imagine having to deal with that, I'm 31 and my father is 56 and most definitely is my best friend.

Enjoy the time you have left is about all I can possibly say, it sounds like he's raised you to be the man you are today and that's all any man can ask for.

Feel for you man, much love.

[BOSSY]

Be a son not a caregiver, say the things you want him to know, let him know things will be fine, it's hard not to make it sad - but look back and remember the good times and experiences, have a laugh and tell him it's okay to stop fighting.

[Fozzie_DeBear]

Get support to help with your feelings...not an easy thing for guys.

For me, when I had to deal with grief, the hardest part was getting to a place where I could let the raw emotional grief out (imagine crying like a small child...that is where I NEEDED to be).

To get into that head space (soul space?), music that was touching to me was a critical tool, otherwise the feelings would be buried.

[Hockeyguy15]

Originally Posted by bluck

My Dad was diagnosed with Cancer last year and unfortunately his battle is coming to an end. He's only 57 and I'm 26. It's been a tough couple of days for me when we found out his treatment was no longer working and he didn't have much time left. I can't honestly see myself moving on without my Dad, he's my best friend and literally means the world to me. How do you cope with losing a parent especially when you know they only have a few short weeks left? Has anyone ever been through this? I appreciate all your answers

Is he well enough for one last hurrah? Is there possibly some special trip you would want to go on him with? Even like a weekend away with just you and him, not to mourn but to celebrate the special bond you guys have?

[cKy]

Sorry you have to go through this, it's a brutal road, and it'll get worse before it gets better. This seems like a weird case of de ja vu. Today is the 1 year anniversary when my father was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer, basically the point of no return. It was on Easter weekend last year if i recall correctly.

I am a little bit older than yourself (im 34), and my father was 64 when he passed away. I also live in Victoria while he was in Calgary.

We found out on Easter that he was really sick, and I flew out to see him a few times last summer using my In-Laws air miles (they were awesome about it). The goal was to spend every possible minute with him knowing I lived far away.

We had a baby girl on Dec 8th, and he passed away on December 18th. My company was awesome with me literally packing up and leaving to be with my family in Calgary with no expected time to come back. My brother called me on a Thursday, 3 days after my girl was born, and I was on the next flight out. My family stayed home. He had moments of consciousness but was for the most part in a comatosed state until he passed. My mom ordered me to fly home for Christmas, and she arranged the funeral and stuff for after New Years to let everyone enjoy the holiday.

I've only had a few close relatives die, so only been to a few funerals, but that was by the far the hardest one. No real advice I can give you as everyone handles and processes this information differently - just ask for help if you need it, and enjoy the time you have with him while you can.

[FlamesAddiction]

First of all, sorry for situation.

When I lost my mother, I was 20 years old and it was sudden and unexpected. It messed me up for a long time and I am not sire that I know a way to get through it other than to say as time goes on, you somehow do get through it. You never stop thinking about it (I don't think a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind).

I lost my father back in 2013 to cancer. He was actually diagnosed the year after my mother died and was given a low survival chance at the time, but managed to hang on for almost 15 years. The last 2 or 3 years were full of so much pain though, that I felt sad but also relieved. The shock and grief from losing my mother wasn't there. With that one though, the I feel more guilt internally because there was a weight lifted.

One thing I would say is just be there if you can. A "few short weeks" isn't always accurate. My dad used to hide his pain really well, but about a week before he died I called him and he said that I should come. It was a really busy week at work, I live in the Toronto area and he lived near Winnipeg so I convinced myself it was no big deal to wait (he did the same thing a few months early and then felt better). Then I got a phone call from my sister who told me he was admitted into the hospital and didn't have long. The doctor said maybe a week or 2. I flew down the next day and was with him for a few hours. He was not completely conscious but was squeezing my hand and trying to talk, and I just kept telling him that he didn't need to say anything. He eventually went to sleep. I decided to go to his apartment to make sure there were no appliances on or food left out. Having not slept for like 2 days straight, I fell asleep for a few hours only to get woken by a phone call telling me that he had passed while I was gone. To this day, I wish I was there to help him while it happened and feel really guilty about it.

[Doodlebug]

Sorry to hear about your father. I agree with previous comments, try and see him as much as possible....you will not regret it.

My mom passed 7 months ago, after a 7 year battle with dementia. Nothing really prepares you for it. First 3-4 months were very emotional, and for the first year...its the year of first...ie first birthday without your mom....this upcoming mothers day will also be very bittersweet.

Hopefully you have a good support system of friends and family to help you through this time.

[Otto-matic]

As others said, spend as much time as possible with him.

My father lost his battle with idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis in 2012, losing him at 21 was devastating. Doodlebug summed it up for me, nothing prepares you for it.

We're all here for you Bluck.

[Reaper]

So sorry, man. It sucks and it is going to get worse before it gets better.

I lost my dad to liver cancer on August 17, 2013. The tumor was about the size of a hockey puck before they found it. Stage 4 diagnosis in mid July with no meaningful course of treatment. The prognosis was grim. 2 to 3 months with 6 months being the absolute best case scenario with Chemo.

On July 31 my wife and I set out to visit my parents. When we arrived on August 1 his altered chemistry was catching up with him. His altered chemistry from the tumor meant that he behaved like he was drunk for the last two weeks of his life. On August 2 he went into hospital because he was falling asleep mid word.

While my dad and I connected on our final visit we missed the opportunity to have a sober final conversation. Make sure you have one with your dad if you can. You don't want to leave anything unsaid.

[JonDuke]

Sorry to hear about your situation, Bluck. I'm going through a similar situation with my father, who has about 3 months left.

I'll echo what many have already said: Spend as much time with him as you can.
Many people have parents who die suddenly, from something like a heart attack or car crash.
They never get a chance for "closure" (even though I'm not a fan of that word).
You have a chance to say your good byes, which many don't.
For me, I focus on that as the silver lining in this painful part of life. I've come extremely close with my father since his diagnosis, and just flew out east to spend a couple of weeks with him. I'm hoping to go back again soon for a couple more. Like anyone, I will be in enormous pain when he's gone, but the plus, if you can call it that, is that we will have nothing left unsaid.

I hope that you can find some sort of your own silver lining and focus on that, instead of the loss. It's helped me tons, and I wish you the best!!

If it's feasible, look into a compassionate care leave. Was one of the best pieces of advice I had, and was from a CP member. Post 24 here: http://forum.calgarypuck.com/showthr...ncer&page=2=24

Also...the CP community is amazing for support. I've found venting here, to complete strangers, very therapeutic in a way. Because I don't talk to any other friends family about it. (not the advice I would give to you) If you need to talk/vent/rant/scream/cry to a complete stranger, I'm a PM away and know many others would volunteer their ears and shoulders as well.

Best of luck to you during this whole thing.

[icecube]

Originally Posted by FlamesAddiction

First of all, sorry for situation.

When I lost my mother, I was 20 years old and it was sudden and unexpected. It messed me up for a long time and I am not sire that I know a way to get through it other than to say as time goes on, you somehow do get through it. You never stop thinking about it (I don't think a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind).

I lost my father back in 2013 to cancer. He was actually diagnosed the year after my mother died and was given a low survival chance at the time, but managed to hang on for almost 15 years. The last 2 or 3 years were full of so much pain though, that I felt sad but also relieved. The shock and grief from losing my mother wasn't there. With that one though, the I feel more guilt internally because there was a weight lifted.

One thing I would say is just be there if you can. A "few short weeks" isn't always accurate. My dad used to hide his pain really well, but about a week before he died I called him and he said that I should come. It was a really busy week at work, I live in the Toronto area and he lived near Winnipeg so I convinced myself it was no big deal to wait (he did the same thing a few months early and then felt better). Then I got a phone call from my sister who told me he was admitted into the hospital and didn't have long. The doctor said maybe a week or 2. I flew down the next day and was with him for a few hours. He was not completely conscious but was squeezing my hand and trying to talk, and I just kept telling him that he didn't need to say anything. He eventually went to sleep. I decided to go to his apartment to make sure there were no appliances on or food left out. Having not slept for like 2 days straight, I fell asleep for a few hours only to get woken by a phone call telling me that he had passed while I was gone. To this day, I wish I was there to help him while it happened and feel really guilty about it.

I spent a lot of time in the palliative care unit where my mother in law was staying before she passed away from cancer. The Nurses and docs told me that it is very common that patients pass away when their loved ones are out of the room.
Here is a blog post I found from a hospice doctor on this subject..


"I introduced Larry in my last post, "A Day in the Life." He'd come to the hospital saying that he couldn't breathe. He'd lost his appetite and a lot of weight. After a week of tests, the bad news came back: stage 4 lung cancer, already spread outside the lung to the liver and the bones. He agreed to chemotherapy and then stopped after one treatment, saying it hadn't helped. His record has several notes from oncologists along the lines of "I explained that it's wrong to say the treatment is not working after just one dose," but Larry was determined. All he wanted was to be comfortable, he said. That's when my team and I made Larry's acquaintance. He moved to our inpatient unit and passed away a few days later, pain-free and breathing easily.


Larry had no real medical record. On admission he proudly told everyone that he hadn't seen a doctor in 50 years or more. He lived alone. No family members were listed in his chart. There was rumored to be a distant relative in another state, but calls to that number didn't connect to a person or to voicemail. Larry did have a friend of sorts, someone who lived in his building and took care of his cat. But there was no one to call when Larry entered hospice, and no one to notify that he'd died.


Our instinct is that it's sad for anyone to die alone. Deep in our collective consciousness, I think, is the Hollywood death-bed scene -- the dying person surrounded by loved ones, perhaps dispensing final words of wisdom before taking one last breath and slipping away. I've had dozens of conversations that begin something like, "Doctor, how long? His daughter/grandson/best friend wants to be here at the end, and that person needs to know when to come." I've had family members literally refuse to step out of a patient's room for fear of missing the moment of death. Not long ago, a rabbi told me that he was organizing a prayer group to be present at a patient's dying moment, so he needed as much precision as I could supply. I used to work for a hospice that took pride in its "vigil program," a group of volunteers who'd sit by the bedside so that no one had to be alone during the final hours and minutes.


I've had many private conversations over the years with dying people in which they've shared their fears. Often they're afraid of suffering. They fear for their families' well-being, and sometimes they worry that they've left some piece of interpersonal work undone. But they never tell me they fear dying alone. On the contrary, some have said they were afraid of dying in front of their families. They wanted to spare them the pain of witnessing that final breath.


All hospice veterans have seen this: a family sits in vigil with a loved one who seems endlessly suspended between life and death. The family leaves en masse, perhaps to get a bite to eat. And moments after the loved ones exit, the dying person completes the work and the soul detaches from the body. When families express amazement, we tend to offer an interpretation. "She was waiting for you all to leave," we say, "probably because she wanted to protect you from seeing the very end." And this explanation, in my experience, is comforting to families.


So we say that no one should die alone, yet we seem to accept with equanimity when someone we love -- and I hesitate to use this word -- chooses to die alone. It's an odd paradox. Perhaps the dying don't fear dying alone. Perhaps on some level they embrace it. And so perhaps what we ought to say is not that no one should die alone, but that no one should have to because of circumstance or fate."

[cDnStealth]

I am sorry for you situation. I lost my dad in a car accident when I was 16 years old. This may sound horrible but I envy your position because you can make the most of the time he has left. I was really close with my dad but there is a lot I missed out on, simply due to my age, and I never got the chance to say goodbye. Spend as much time as you can with your dad.

I can tell you from my own experience that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my father. It'll hurt for a while but eventually when you think of your dad you'll focus on all the positive memories and times you shared.

Feel free to PM me if you just want to talk.

[FlamesAddiction]

Originally Posted by cDnStealth

I am sorry for you situation. I lost my dad in a car accident when I was 16 years old. This may sound horrible but I envy your position because you can make the most of the time he has left. I was really close with my dad but there is a lot I missed out on, simply due to my age, and I never got the chance to say goodbye. Spend as much time as you can with your dad.

I can tell you from my own experience that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my father. It'll hurt for a while but eventually when you think of your dad you'll focus on all the positive memories and times you shared.

Feel free to PM me if you just want to talk.

Having experienced both, the sudden loss of a parent was definitively more intense and a different type of mourning for me. It was like an out of body experience. With a slow death from disease, there was some relief for me as the suffering ended. They both suck but in different ways. But it is different for everybody I think and also depends somewhat how familiar you are with death. I heard that for some people, saying "good byes" is harder than losing someone suddenly. I would be hesitant to paint a broad brush on how people will react in different situations.

One thing I found after losing a parent, is that they closer I get to the age that they died, there starts to become more anxiety and the wounds start to open again. You start to relate to them is a different way.

[cDnStealth]

Originally Posted by FlamesAddiction

Having experienced both, the sudden loss of a parent was definitively more intense and a different type of mourning for me. It was like an out of body experience. With a slow death from disease, there was some relief for me as the suffering ended. They both suck but in different ways. But it is different for everybody I think and also depends somewhat how familiar you are with death. I heard that for some people, saying "good byes" is harder than losing someone suddenly. I would be hesitant to paint a broad brush on how people will react in different situations.

One thing I found after losing a parent, is that they closer I get to the age that they died, there starts to become more anxiety and the wounds start to open again. You start to relate to them is a different way.

I am not trying to paint anything. Every death is different and every person deals with it in their own way. I am also not suggesting that one is less painful than another. I am just saying that's how I feel in regards to my own father's death and if I had the opportunity I'd try and make the most of the time left. There are a lot of things I'd have loved to ask him and lots of conversations I wish I had.