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Old 08-19-2018, 02:40 PM   #1
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A very good friend of mine (my best friend's wife) was just diagnosed with a brain tumor. They sent her to the specialists in Halifax (keep in mind they, like me, are in Nova Scotia).

I won't go into the details, could be worse, but at this point lots of unknown.

My best friend went to Halifax to be with his wife (obviously).

It hasn't truly hit me. It's so unbelievable that I'm still in shock.

The point of this post isn't therapeutic, or to look for what could happen, or even people's past experiences per say.

My question is: What the frack do I do? A phone call or a message just isn't enough. This guy's like my brother, one of the people I'd do anything for, give him a kidney, bury a body, travel to bail him out of a Taiwanese prison, etc.

Normally, I'd think what advice would I give, but I've got nothing.

What the do I do?
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Old 08-19-2018, 02:46 PM   #2
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Take a cue from Bob McKenzie?


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When I got to town, I tried to make sense of it, but we all know how that goes in these situations. So I stood outside the Tim Horton's in Fenelon Falls and just wrote a short email:
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Old 08-19-2018, 03:20 PM   #3
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I would just tell him that you are there for whatever he needs. If you can take over the daily "business" stuff that he would normally do at home it would probably help him and also give you something to do in a situation where there really isn't much you can do.
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Old 08-19-2018, 03:44 PM   #4
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I think an email/text saying "thinking of you, and mowed your lawn, will keep doing so as long as needed" would be a nice gesture.

Or whatever chores will be going undone because he is in Halifax with his wife.
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Old 08-19-2018, 03:48 PM   #5
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I would just tell him that you are there for whatever he needs. If you can take over the daily "business" stuff that he would normally do at home it would probably help him and also give you something to do in a situation where there really isn't much you can do.
Right, so if he is a house with yard, attend to the lawn etc. Pick up his mail. If he comes home, take over some meals.

Whatever he needs attending to.
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Old 08-19-2018, 03:52 PM   #6
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Agree with the others. Take care of the small stuff for them while they are away; mow/water the lawn, collect mail if needed, feed/walk pets, make some frozen meals and fill their freezer. Even when they are back, it will probably be a stressful time for them both, not having to worry about cooking is one less thing to think about.
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Old 08-19-2018, 04:32 PM   #7
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Great advice, everyone. All the best to you and your friends, MQS. Stay strong.


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Old 08-19-2018, 04:49 PM   #8
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A friend on my hockey team had a cancerous tumour the size of a softball removed. He can't go back to work yet, but he was back on the ice not long after. A couple of years later he is still cancer free and doing well. He says his personality changed, and he would joke it was for the better.
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Old 08-19-2018, 09:55 PM   #9
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I echo what others have said. Offer to do something you're willing/able to do...cook food, mow lawn, or sometimes running interference if someone is getting too clingy to him. Or take him for a beer if you have the time/are back in the same town to give him a distraction.

Just take the initiative and do something instead of waiting to be asked after offering to do something...he has enough on his mind and doesn't need delegating choose to his buddy to be another one.
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Old 08-19-2018, 11:02 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by llwhiteoutll View Post
Agree with the others. Take care of the small stuff for them while they are away; mow/water the lawn, collect mail if needed, feed/walk pets, make some frozen meals and fill their freezer. Even when they are back, it will probably be a stressful time for them both, not having to worry about cooking is one less thing to think about.
As someone who has lost 2 family members to brain tumors (Dad and Aunt), I cant stress how incredible it is to have food premade for the family. With the incredible amount of stress and energy that gets sucked from you, food is literally the last thing on your mind. Get these people some precooked foods they can warm up and eat.
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Old 08-20-2018, 12:17 AM   #11
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As someone who has lost 2 family members to brain tumors (Dad and Aunt), I cant stress how incredible it is to have food premade for the family. With the incredible amount of stress and energy that gets sucked from you, food is literally the last thing on your mind. Get these people some precooked foods they can warm up and eat.
Agreed
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Old 08-20-2018, 12:25 PM   #12
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Easy, pre-prepared food, gas cards if they will often be traveling to Halifax, clean their house (or hire a cleaning service), lawn and vehicle maintenance.
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Old 08-20-2018, 01:49 PM   #13
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As someone who has lost 2 family members to brain tumors (Dad and Aunt), I cant stress how incredible it is to have food premade for the family. With the incredible amount of stress and energy that gets sucked from you, food is literally the last thing on your mind. Get these people some precooked foods they can warm up and eat.
And, buy them a metric ton of recyclable plates/bowls/cups/cutlery. Then they can just dump everything in the blue bins rather than have to worry about cleaning up/doing dishes - they can just sweep it into the blue bin.

I'd also make up some easily grabbed snack type packs with fruit/veg/crackers/cheese/yogurt, etc. Sometimes a full meal is just too much to deal with, so if there's something they can grab easily to munch as they drive to appointments/the hospital, wherever.

Parking at the hospital is atrocious in terms of cost. If a few of you got together, you could buy them monthly passes/a year pass and take that cost off their plates. Most of the cafeterias at hospitals now have gift cards, so it's another idea of something monetary that may be helpful. Fuel cards as well. Having spent several years in and out of hospitals with my child and their medical issues and my dad when he had colon cancer, fuel, food and parking were pretty big costs that could also be stressful costs to deal with.

I know this isn't funeral related, but it may be just as helpful. When there is a death in the family or amongst our friend group, we buy all the following and drop it off. Someone did it for us when my sister-in-law died, and it was so helpful, more so than food, a lot of which we ended up throwing out. Slightly different in this case, but I believe it can be as helpful, since they are likely to have people coming in and out of the house, to take care of kids if they have any, family coming in to visit/wanting to help, etc. Items we pick up and package up:

- box of garbage bags
- recyclable plates/bowls/cups/coffee cups with lids/cutlery
- big tin of coffee
- big box of tea
- bag of sugar
- big bottle of the powdered creamer
- large carton of coffee cream
- biggest package of toilet paper we can find
- a few packages of paper towels
- big tub of margarine/few blocks of butter (whatever they use)
- any of the basics like this, that they just won't have to worry about for a while - this is when a Costco membership came in handy


I had no time to think of what we needed when we were at the hospital constantly, and very little energy to devote to thinking about asking for helping or delegating anything. As everyone else has said, just taking a lot of day to day chores off their plates while they settle in to this diagnosis and all the changes it will mean for them, will help.

And, may I mention one other thing? If he/they are absolutely insistent they will take care of something? Let them. Every once in a blue moon, I found I needed the utter boringness of doing something like mowing the lawn or whatever. It can get pretty weird in your head when you are practically living at the hospital or constantly running to clinics/appointments/specialists. Sometimes, boring is very needed. It might seem weird, and contradictory to what I said above, but you'll know what I mean, when they let you know.
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Old 08-21-2018, 08:01 PM   #14
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A friend of my mom's had a large brain tumour removed a few years ago that was benign. The recovery was tough, but she is now doing just fine.

I hope that's the case for your friend's wife.
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