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Old 08-03-2017, 01:56 PM   #81
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Everytime this thread gets bumped, I have chills. Thinking of you and your family. Hospice is probably a good thing as your Mom is likely exhausted.

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Old 08-03-2017, 02:40 PM   #82
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It's a hard time to be sure. My dad passed 8.5 years from cancer. Shortly after the new year.

We managed to make it out for Thanksgiving and then for Christmas with the kids. My son was only 6 months old and daughter 2 and a bit when he passed but at least my dad got to hold and cuddle them a few times. I have a video I secretly took of my dad holding my son singing to him when he thought no one was around. Telling him after how good of buddies they would have been. Heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time.

That final Christmas the cancer had basically spread to every bone in his body and he was in awful pain if you even really touched him. He needed help to get up from sitting and similar to your recent experience there were times he fell and people needed to help my mom get him back up. Yet we took a picture with him and all the grandkids arms around him, in the lap etc and he has the proudest, biggest grin on his face. His eyes are, I don't know, twinkling I guess. Face beaming with pride. The only time the last few months of his life I saw that. It's a favourite. 2 weeks later he was gone.

I don't know you bc-chris, but I am so happy you've had the chance to spend this time with your dad and family. For me out of all the fantastic memories I have of my father those are the two that I cherish more than any other and they happened right at the end when it was the toughest.

Excuse me while get this stuff out of my eyes.....
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Old 08-03-2017, 03:26 PM   #83
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Heartbreaking stuff Chris and I feel for you and your family. I lost my mom just over 2 years ago to cancer and to watch someone close to death is gut wrenching.

My mom was admitted to a hospice on a Sunday and by Wednesday night she was gone. It happened a lot faster than we all anticipated but in the end it was for the best as she was in so much pain and I was glad to see her suffering come to an end.

My thoughts and prayers are with your and your family
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Old 08-03-2017, 04:56 PM   #84
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Hospice will take away the physical and more importantly the mental stress your mom was under. They will make him as comfortable as possible in his final days.

You did all you could do. Thoughts and prayers.
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Old 08-03-2017, 10:14 PM   #85
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Yeah, hospices are nice places to be under stressful conditions. My cousin had a baby who ultimately died from meningitis a couple years ago and they were staying for a few weeks in a hospice. Staff were nice, and the nearby families were as well. Sad though. I think the tougher thing will be the support your mom will need when "normal" life resumes. It's important that your family comes together and spends more time with her after the initial support of the funeral is over. Best of wishes.
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Old 08-03-2017, 10:46 PM   #86
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I have started typing something 10 times in this thread, and I am pretty choked up right now. Whenever someone is going through such a hard time, I can never muster the words I want to console or comfort. I end up saying nothing out of fear of making them feel worse.

I am very sorry for how this disease is taking your Dad. It is clear you have a terrific bond, and you have been amazingly thoughtful and may I say brave?

My parents and in laws are getting to the age where we will need to face mortality sooner than later. I hope I can handle it with the grace you have. Thank you for sharing this.
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Old 08-06-2017, 04:07 PM   #87
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hey guys

thanks again for all the kind words. i find i tear up a lot reading what others have posted - the stories of your experiences and the words of encouragement - they are all so powerful.

we got my dad settled in on thursday. he was pretty tuckered out to begin with and add on to that the getting admitted into hospice and he had a very early night. when we were getting him settled in his room one of the care workers came in and was going over general "stuff" that we should know. they have a lady come in every morning who cooks up breakfast for all the patients. i guess they have a small menu and my dad can pick what he wants and she makes it - that's kinda cool. lunch and dinner are whatever interior health is serving at the hospital... definitely not 'up there' on my dad's favourite things to eat! ha! ha!
when i got home i told my wife the food situation and said that i want to bring my folks a meal a day - just so my dad can really enjoy some food and on top of that, my mom doesn't need to worry about making stuff for him (becuz i know she would). so friday was ravioli with a rose sauce (i didn't have time to make my own ravioli, but my folks didn't mind). saturday was sweet and sour meat balls with spaetzle (the same meal i made when we threw the hawaiian party for my dad i talked about earlier in this thread) and today i dropped off smoked ribs that i made yesterday.

when we came into his room this morning he was in bed and my mom was beside him in a chair and they were chatting. the typical "hi's" were exchanged and i showed my dad the container of ribs - he immediately perked up. my mom (who knew i was bringing ribs) got up and held one of my kids hands, then she, my wife and our two kids went for a walk, leaving just my dad and i in the room. i go to sit down in a chair beside my dad and before i know it he's trying to get out of bed. i figured he had to go to the bathroom so i asked him what he was doing and he exclaims, "i want those smoked ribs!!!" ha! ha! it was awesome! he was soooo stoked about the ribs (they are pretty good so i don't blame him for being excited!). so i helped him get out of bed and into a chair and he's getting ready to eat (plate and cutlery are already good to go) and a care worker comes booking into the room. i guess if he gets out of bed it triggers an alarm (he knew that, but didn't bother to tell me). he smiles at the care worker and proclaims, "i'm having RIBS!!!!" it was pretty hard to not burst out laughing becuz it was pretty funny.
so yea - today was definitely a good day. i'm so glad to see him in good spirits and pain free - that's so important right now.

another huge plus is that becuz the care my dad gets my mom is able to go home after he goes to bed and get a good night's sleep herself. it's been a long time since she's had a half decent sleep and she was burning out - so to see her refreshed and recharged is also really nice
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Old 08-06-2017, 05:02 PM   #88
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bc-chris View Post
when i got home i told my wife the food situation and said that i want to bring my folks a meal a day - just so my dad can really enjoy some food and on top of that, my mom doesn't need to worry about making stuff for him (becuz i know she would). so friday was ravioli with a rose sauce (i didn't have time to make my own ravioli, but my folks didn't mind). saturday was sweet and sour meat balls with spaetzle (the same meal i made when we threw the hawaiian party for my dad i talked about earlier in this thread) and today i dropped off smoked ribs that i made yesterday.
There's making him as comfortable as possible and then there's taking it to the next level. You never cease to amaze me, Chris with your compassion and love for your father. He is extremely fortunate to have you as a son.

Well done bud!
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Old 08-06-2017, 05:14 PM   #89
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BC-Chris

just some advice from one of my experiences in similar situations. A good laugh each day really seems to help. There are many well wishers who come to pay respects and "say goodbye". can get pretty somber. But a good laugh helps put things in perspective each day.

Best of luck going forward.
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Old 08-22-2017, 12:13 AM   #90
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hey guys

just thought i'd give a little update.

on july 27th i posted this...

Quote:
here we are at the end of july and i am sad to say that my mom called today to say that after today's visit with the doc that my dad likely only has 3 weeks tops.
well, here we are 25 days later and again today i was able to hang out with my dad for about an hour at hospice. his 'big meal' everyday is lunch - so that's what i bring him (and my mom) everyday.
it's funny becuz he has his 'favourites' and most of them are pretty easy meals to throw together. he just loves asian lettuce wraps - the recipe i've got is so easy and they taste sooo good! saturday was a bit more work - i did ribs again, but this time i took them down 'hot off the smoker'. the kicker is to have a 6-hour rib smoke ready in time for lunch meant that saturday started a lot earlier than normal!! ha! we've also been blessed with awesome friends who have brought over a number of frozen meals for both our family and my folks - so some days it's as simple as throwing something in the oven for an hour and then driving to hospice for the visit. i'm just glad i'm able to do stuff like that for him and i know both my folks really appreciate it.

i'm currently building my daughter a bunk bed (from scratch!) so i've been keeping my dad up-to-date everyday with the progress. i know he wishes he could be helping me but honestly, just being able to share pics and 'build stories' with him is awesome.

killer_carlson - i love the 'good laugh' advise. my daughter sure gave me a good one the other day. i started the bunk bed on saturday so my daughter was super pumped that dad's building her a bunk bed. i get all the tools out of the garage and onto the driveway and while i'm working i look up into the garage. there she is, this pint sized 4-year old, sitting on her little lawn chair, watching me work while drinking a glass of chocolate milk. she finished her chocolate milk, walks over to me and says, 'ok daddy, i'm done my chocolate milk, how much longer until my bed is ready?!?' ha! in my mind i'm thinking "well, i'm currently milling down the wood that will eventually become your bed posts" so i just ended up telling her it would be a little while yet. ha! ha! my dad loved that!

one of the toughest things right now is that my dad has good days and bad days and you just never know how he's doing until you get there. last week he had a really rough wednesday/thursday and then friday/saturday he was fantastic (the best i've seen him in a while). sunday was another rough one and today started out rough and got better as the day went on. my mom told me this morning that he didn't even remember my visit yesterday. i guess it's a combination of the medications and the cancer continuing to spread and affect the normal function of his body. he tends to get confused a lot more now and he's more irritable/annoyed at things... but i think that comes from needing people to do stuff for him that he knows he used to be able to do - that's a really tough one for him (he's rather independent and likes to do things for himself... his way.... hmmmm.... i wonder where i got that trait from! ha!)

another tough thing that i hadn't anticipated is that when you go there everyday, you get to know the other people in hospice. i was chatting with a really great guy over the weekend named Denis, just a delight to talk to. when i came for my visit today my mom told me that Denis had passed away over night. i barely knew him but it still chokes me up. maybe it's the realization that soon it will be my dad that won't be there the next day - i don't know, but it's tough.
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Old 08-22-2017, 12:20 AM   #91
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Thanks for sharing Chris
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Old 08-22-2017, 08:50 AM   #92
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Chris...as much as I hate coming into this thread I find myself innately jealous of the relationship you share with your father. I didnt have that chance in my life. I read your stories as if they might have been my own, for that I thank you, you give me and Im sure many others on this board a true look into the mirror of what family means. You are to be commended for holding your father in such high esteem, I would hope that others take a lesson from you and your family.
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Old 08-22-2017, 09:09 AM   #93
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Always keep in mind that your father was a great man, and always cherish the memories you two had in your life.
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Old 08-22-2017, 09:18 AM   #94
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This thread has been very inspiring to me.

My Grandma was diagnosed with Cancer a few weeks ago and her being in a different city would have been real easy to not go back to visit and just phone. But remembering this thread and the joy that you are bringing to your father was a good reminder to make time and take advantage of the short period you have with people.

So while this is obviously painful for you thank you for sharing this experience.
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Old 09-04-2017, 06:11 PM   #95
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hey guys

thanks you again for all the kind words. it gets harder and harder to post in this thread.

today for many of you it is a holiday - labour day... september 4th. for me, well, i was able to go to hospice this morning with lunch for my folks and wish them a happy 52nd anniversary. i don't have to words to express how awesome it was to do that.

the last couple weeks have been tough. as i mentioned before my dad has good days and bad days (the ups and downs are kinda like a sin/cos/tan wave). as his cancer continues to spread it continues to make life more and more difficult for him. his liver is doing less and less everyday which results in more and more toxins in his system with every passing day. the combination of meds/cancer/toxins really mess with his head and result in more and more confusion, hallucinations and agitation every day. i think the agitation is a result of him no longer being able to do things that he knows he used to be able to do with ease and that he knows his head is getting more and more messed up.

he was doing really well (all things considered) up until this past friday, at which point my mom started staying the night at hospice to be by his side while he slept. he woke up in the middle of the night on thursday and while trying to get to the bathroom he fell twice - that's never a good thing. with my mom there, she can make sure he gets to the bathroom. the kicker is that now she's no longer getting a good night's sleep and it just makes things harder.

i've continued to bring my mom and dad lunches every day - and they both appreciate it so much. my mom often tells me that as soon as i get there that my dad immediately perks up and is "the best he's been all day".

earlier this week i contacted a florist and gave them the coles notes version of what today means to my folks/family. i made arrangements to have a bouquet made up for my mom and was so thankful that the florist was able to get irises brought in for the bouquet. my mom absolutely loves irises and for them to be in the bouquet means soooo much to her. on saturday i was chatting with one of the hospice employees (dianne - i'm not sure if she is an rn or support staff, but she is awesome!). i mentioned that monday (today) would be my folks 52nd anniversary and i could see the gears were working in her head - more on that in a minute.

yesterday was a really really tough day. it's almost like a switch got flicked in my dad's head and he just became so much more confused, very very agitated and very confrontational. as a result, they gave my dad a pretty heavy sedative last night - partly to help him sleep thru the night and partly to keep him mellow. he had a nightmare a couple nights ago that the mob was out to get him and for what ever reason he thinks that my mom is part of this mob and doesn't believe that she's his wife. so yea - like i said, sunday was a really tough day.

this morning was another 5am wake up - firing up the smoker so i could bring my folks a rib lunch on their anniversary. when we got to hospice my dad was out cold in a kinda recliner/wheelchair thing (again... heavily sedated) and my mom was visiting with some very dear friends of theirs (they are an awesome couple that i've known for over 25 years). i gave my mom the bouquet and she immediately teared up.... but that was nothing compared to the tears she got when i gave her the anniversary card that my dad had signed a little over a month ago. honestly though, the timing of the card couldn't have been better. i said, 'mom, i brought dad a bunch of anniversary cards a while ago and he chose this one for you.' this is the card....

Image0035 by bc-chris, on Flickr


Image0039 by bc-chris, on Flickr

it's signed "all my love. ed"

for my mom to be able to read that and to have my dad's loved reaffirmed to her just a day after he no longer believed that she was his wife was such a blessing. it's safe to say that there wasn't a dry eye in the room. i also gave my mom a card from my wife and i which was awesome, especially since i didn't think i'd be needing to get an anniversary card this year.

after we 'collected' ourselves it was time to eat... so time to talk about dianne. she had reserved the table in the dining room for us for lunch and had brought in a bunch of her own stuff to make our meal just that much more special... a table cloth, placemats, a small bouquet center piece and some decorations. we wheeled my dad over to the table, took our seats and enjoyed a great meal together (even though my dad was still out cold). my mom had to go get something from my dad's room and while she was gone my dad started to stir a bit, so i went over and said hi. he asked what i was doing there and i told him that i brought him a rib lunch! he immediately blurted out, "well i want some!!!" ha! ha! i almost lost but was able to keep it together. my mom was just getting back to the table so i told her that dad wanted some ribs. becuz of the amount of sedation he has they don't really want him eating solids for fear of choking, so my mom got some really small pieces of ribs and fed him. it was awesome to see him have one of his favourite meals one last time, even if it was just a little taste.
dianne came by, and after wiping away some tears she went into the hospice kitchen and came out with some cake for us. like i said - she's awesome.

so yea - that was my day in a nutshell. it's so hard to see my dad sedated the way he is now, but even just little things like earlier today when he realized i was there and had brought him ribs shows me that dad is still in there and there are no meds, toxins or cancers that can stop that connection i have with my dad.

i know it's only a matter of time now - likely a few days and he will be gone, but i am so thankful that over the last 7+ months since my dad's diagnosis that i've been able to reaffirm my love to my dad and mom over and over again.

i'm going to miss him. a lot.

chris
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Old 09-04-2017, 06:20 PM   #96
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Unbelievable.

Thank you Chris.
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Old 09-04-2017, 06:27 PM   #97
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Cutting a couple onions over here. Well done Chris.
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Old 09-04-2017, 06:52 PM   #98
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Had to grab a few tissues.

You're a good son Chris and what you did was awesome.
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Old 09-04-2017, 07:50 PM   #99
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That fantastic foresight to get your dad to sign the anniversary card - what a tremendous idea. While I had hoped it wouldn't have been necessary, your preparation couldn't have been more appropriate and effective.

That said Chris, are you taking care of yourself as well? Caring for the caregiver is important because you're taking the stress of others onto your own shoulders. Please don't overlook your need for your own supports in this.
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Old 09-04-2017, 08:08 PM   #100
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bc-chris View Post
for my mom to be able to read that and to have my dad's loved reaffirmed to her just a day after he no longer believed that she was his wife was such a blessing. it's safe to say that there wasn't a dry eye in the room. i also gave my mom a card from my wife and i which was awesome, especially since i didn't think i'd be needing to get an anniversary card this year.
This is one of the most thoughtful things that a son could ever do for his parents. Amazing.
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