Let's talk about getting professional help...

[flamesfever]

If it were me in your situation, my first thought would be to have a talk with my doctor. If you don't have a doctor, I would go to a walk-in clinic and, arrange a consultation. There are also abundant resources you can consider by a search on the internet.

Lack of sleep can really affect your mood and getting help for that will probably help considerably. Exercising by simply taking long walks may also help.

It sounds to me like you may be getting overwhelmed. When that ever happened to me, I would write down all the things that were bothering me and found that just by writing them down gave me a sense of relief.

If it happens you are diagnosed with depression, just remember, it's not the end of the world. My wife had MS and experienced many episodes of major depression. In spite of this, we managed to have a pretty good life.

[Jiri Hrdina]

Originally Posted by fotze2

Embarrassing to admit but I have tried to get help too. Everyone gives horse crap advice. Turn a frown upside down, get exercise, cold showers, go to a therapist.

I went to multiple therapists, wonderful people, but doesn’t do crap.

Every one seemed to believe that if I journaled things, it would get better. Bloody journaling, are you kidding me. Maybe that cured your thing. What a sham. Plus when you are unemployed, paying someone $100 an hour to tell you to journal your problems in the middle of the night.

Anyway. I am here to yell at the clouds with if you need.

Yeah the journaling thing is irritating
For me I needed to get out of my own head and journaling made that worse
Meditation was also ineffective for me.

[Hack&Lube]

Originally Posted by Jiri Hrdina

Yeah the journaling thing is irritating
For me I needed to get out of my own head and journaling made that worse
Meditation was also ineffective for me.

For some people, the cause of their depression is that they haven't been able to identify their deep issues or they don't recognize their triggers to be able to adjust or cope.

For some of us, we've been through so much **** that it's blatantly obvious what the problem is so it's akin to spending hundreds of dollars on physio therapy for an injury where they see you for 10 minutes and tell you to go home and do a bunch of stretches that you already know how to do. I've tried "mindfulness" as part of those meditation strategies as well but I simply don't have the patience (or have too much ADHD to meditate).

There is a valid place and time for therapy though, and everybody is different. I know many people going through adult issues (marriage, work, depression, anxiety, etc.) that have championed therapy as important for them.

For me, I'm a stubborn SOB that is not going to listen to a therapist or psychologist and just accept what they say. I had to do all my own research into it (there are some really interesting scholarly works on how it may be an evolutionary defense mechanism) and come up with my own strategies. I had clinical depression for my entire 20s and even though I think I've come out on top, I can sense it's presence always lingering over my shoulder and I have to stay vigilant.

[flylock shox]

OP, are you just hoping for a recommendation regarding therapists, or are you open to feedback from the members of the forum generally? If it's the latter I think we'd need some more details about your situation, and how long you've been feeling this way.

[shermanator]

More interested in recommendation for professional help, specifically just someone to talk to so I can shift my perspective on things.

[keratosis]

I don't know if this will help or not but when my dad was near his end he was suffering from consistent internal bleeding from bladder cancer and said it helped him feel a lot better.

[Fuzz]

Here are a couple good sites to help people find a therapist:


https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/t...sts/ab/calgary


https://www.therapytribe.com/


Filter by your needs(depression) and see who is near you. You can read their experiences and get a bit of a feeling of how they work. Once you short list a few, send messages requesting an intro call. Most will give you 15 minutes to chat and see if you both think it can work. Then you make an appointment with whoever you feel can most help. There is no magic here, but it's a good starting point.


There is pretty much zero help in the public system, so don't waste your time on it. You can find resources, but they are limited in the number of sessions and I found were of lower education and expertise levels. If you think you need more than 3 sessions, it's just going to be a waste of your time.

[DoubleF]

Start by quickly checking if your wife's work or you have residual benefits.
If you or wife have a professional designation, check to see if there are benefits that come with the dues you pay each year.

Distress centre is a good place as well. Doesn't cost extra.

Agreed with others that therapists aren't for everyone. You either need to shop around, or take notes on the topics they are encroaching on (ask if needed) and then do the research on it yourself to delve deeper and at your own pace than the sessions can afford.

For some people, the sessions are obviously stupid. But they pick up on latent items through out the session and they notice that there is overall improvement while doing therapy sessions.

You got this!

[kermitology]

So, for the past year and a half my wife has been sick with long covid. She's unable to work, on long term disability, was mostly bed ridden for pretty much the entire fall/winter and part of the spring. As a result I'd been taking on the lion share of.. everything at home. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, kid activities, working full time. I was dying inside.

Toward the end of May I had a complete breakdown and then my marriage basically blew up. I spent 6 weeks separated from my wife and kids, seeing my daughters after school and on weekends. I had 3 panic attacks in less than 24 hours and spent a night in the psych ER in Victoria. It was one of the worst things I've ever experienced in my life.

I spent 3 weeks trying to calm my body and mind. I took 2 months off work with a short term leave, and I'm seeing a therapist.

I think that there are things that will work for different people, but for me a combination of medication, therapy, journaling, better sleep habits, and going to the gym a lot has made a world of difference to me. I was stuck in a bad place with a tonne of bad thoughts and rumination and existential dread.

I don't have any answers, but I'd start with seeing a therapist and getting some exercise in, walking was how I started. Do you have a friend you can talk to? I have a friend who I'm really close with, who has been a sounding board for me. It's hard for guys to open their heart like that, but it's really amazing after the fact.

[Draug]

Sorry to hear Kermit.... I once met you briefly in Calgary many years ago! Have you been able to work out things with your family? I hope so. Sounds like things may have been getting better recently? Pulling for you guys ....

[Titan2]

I was in a similar situation:
I had massive burnout after a job implosion and suffered extreme depression and anxiety.
Talking to the outsourcing executive coach helped immensely but there were things above his pay grade. I went to my MD and had some sessions with the MedLink (if that is what it is called) and the first one was great and the second not great. But they were both able to provide resources. I finally connected with a great therapist and she has done wonders for me. She has provided all of the same tools suggested but "allows" me to find the ones that work for me. Breathing exercises and meditation was really helpful for me. Also, the MD gave me anti-depressants that helped a whole bunch. We tried 3-4 before finding the current one which is helpful to me. I also did a ton of walking initially around all of the parks in Calgary. The single benefit of being unemployed is lots of free time and I would go on 2-3 hour walks. The dog helped me too.

My therapist charges $200 per hour so it is expensive. My last job covered it so that was good but still worth it to me. Between her and the drugs it saved my life.

I strongly disagree with the people that call different therapy options "stupid". Just because one thing is not for you does not make is stupid and is not helpful in a thread like this. I know people for whom journaling saved their lives. I cannot seem to get into it but that does not make it stupid.

Anyways, feel free to DM if you want to chat. I am more than happy to pay it forward.

[PeteMoss]

Originally Posted by Jiri Hrdina

Yeah the journaling thing is irritating
For me I needed to get out of my own head and journaling made that worse
Meditation was also ineffective for me.

The journalling thing I assume is just part of CBT. You don't need to actually write thing down if you can do it without writing it down.

The idea is to identify the the automatic thoughts that are causing you to be in your head - so you can identify when its happening and try to be rational about it.

https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/m...m%20difficulty.

Doesn't work for everyone, but it can help people. But its like most things where it takes time and isn't an easy fix.

[Mathgod]

Originally Posted by Minnie

[SeeGeeWhy]

The first thing you must do, is find that little guy inside you that you still might love and declare he is worth living for.

[Russic]

Good for you for seeking out a solution, and I hope you find some comfort. General advice is touch-and-go because people vary so much. It's natural to want a single solution that works right away, but the most common scenario is we need to find the several solutions that work far slower than we'd like. Finding the unique combination that'll work for you might be pretty hard, but it might also provide bits of relief along the way.

[TorqueDog]

Getting individual therapy has been a game-changer for me. My personal and work interactions are more intentional, calm, and calculated. I deal with problems more effectively and find them easier to navigate. I had more personal growth in my first six months of counselling than I'd experienced in the previous five years of living.

But it's not a silver bullet, you have to spend time with your problems and your triggers and figure out why they exist. You also need to find the right therapist, I got lucky and instantly had a good mesh with my own counsellor, but depending on your needs and personality, you might need to try a few of them before you get one that works for you.

[RichieRich]

I know several people that definitely should be seeking counselling. One of them doesn't even think they have a problem yet it's so obvious. Another is seeing a counsellor but it seems like a weird enabling relationship and all their faults are magically acceptable despite unacceptable impacts from their faults. Anyways, huge kudos to those who have gotten help, are doing their own self help (because yes, this is an important step), are realizing they need help, or are going through the help process.

[TorqueDog]

Originally Posted by RichieRich

I know several people that definitely should be seeking counselling. One of them doesn't even think they have a problem yet it's so obvious. Another is seeing a counsellor but it seems like a weird enabling relationship and all their faults are magically acceptable despite unacceptable impacts from their faults. Anyways, huge kudos to those who have gotten help, are doing their own self help (because yes, this is an important step), are realizing they need help, or are going through the help process.

I can definitely think of someone that was in my life whom I believe was getting the 'enabling' counsellor rather than getting real guidance.

I think when you've been going to a counsellor for too long and you don't seem to be getting positive change in your life, it's time to change it up.

[DoubleF]

Originally Posted by TorqueDog

Getting individual therapy has been a game-changer for me. My personal and work interactions are more intentional, calm, and calculated. I deal with problems more effectively and find them easier to navigate. I had more personal growth in my first six months of counselling than I'd experienced in the previous five years of living.

But it's not a silver bullet, you have to spend time with your problems and your triggers and figure out why they exist. You also need to find the right therapist, I got lucky and instantly had a good mesh with my own counsellor, but depending on your needs and personality, you might need to try a few of them before you get one that works for you.

My wife probably needs this a bit more. I think she got the enabler ones in the past and thus she thinks most of the therapy is only slightly useful for her situation. She might need to "shop around" and find someone she meshes with better. But I think she might also have to be coaxed into changing her approach and honesty with the therapist.

There's this strange amplified concept of showing "everything is perfect" that kinda manifested during Covid in a lot of people, my wife being one of them. This perfectionism has quietly manifested into deep rooted anxieties and issues. On their own, nothing major. But added to everything else, they're metaphorically turning small blow ups into full on thermite melt downs.

Covid messed up a ton of stuff and for a while we've been at least agreeable and have done a few couples therapy sessions as part of a longer term proactive sort of "regular health check up" + "refining skills and strategies" type of thing. Most things we discuss regularly on our own without a therapist, but it's definitely different to hear someone else say it and we're working with the therapist in figuring out how to make the resolution process more efficient and effective since our physical, emotional and mental endurance seems so much lower since becoming parents.

What kermitology brought up is eye opening to me and it helps to feel that I am on the right track. But it also feels like what we had perceived as good enough (proactive couples counseling) isn't actually enough and I should investigate doing more. My wife and I are absolutely dying and drowning inside and we're dreading the next stage this fall (kindergarten). I've been the type that if I spend enough time myself, I can sort it out. But I'm so tired and burnt out now and distributing the load to find a solution is highly welcomed.

Honestly speaking it seemed like the dying inside facet wasn't as big of a thing while restrictions were up. Inexplicably things feel far worse now that the restrictions are lifted. I'm glad my wife is a good partner and agreeable to proactively and retroactively figure things out, no matter how hard. But damn it feels bad that we feel like we're barely afloat when we also feel like we had previously put in a lot of effort to try and get ahead of the curve and avoid these scenarios entirely. (Control trigger, I know)


Another facet that has been bothering me for a while is that I've felt like I've swapped roles with the parents. Things they used to do on their own, now they're suddenly clueless about. I feel like I have 4 teenagers to deal with now where I have to keep tabs on them so they don't end up getting into trouble or injured. Some of it is directly related to long Covid, some is indirect such as personality change after the pandemic. I used to be able to tap into them to help relieve my stress and now I find myself more frequently stressed with interactions with them instead. It really sucks to lose that resource or lose that ability to rely on them to decompress or keep things from spiraling out of control. It just randomly changed, and while it's obvious to my wife and I, they think nothing has changed. Thus they keep brute forcing a different approach and are frustrated that the result is different.

When their responses are so explosive, contradictory and illogical vs previously being logical and calm it sucks. I really don't know how to deal with these "impossible" structure scenarios that pop up a couple times a year other than reduce my interactions with them (which then creates a further domino effect). Some of it is like, "DoubleF, how dare you yell at me and argue with me!" ... when I didn't even raise my voice or say anything other than the one comment, once. Like scenario wise, if I'm casually saying that summer washer fluid is better at getting bugs off than winter fluid, they disagree and then blow up at me thinking I'm arguing with them because my opinion is different... that's weird as F and I don't understand how to deal with it.

Other stuff like, they ask me to help clean their garage, I do and as part of it, I use a leaf blower to blow out the dust vs manually sweeping it... and then they blow up at me because their vehicles are suddenly a little dusty (and I even used the blower to blow the dust off their vehicles as much as I could)... what the hell?

But I don't think I'd ever be able to get them to go to a therapist and figure out what has made their trigger. I only really have the path of figuring out how to better deal with this and improve myself. That's fine, I'll do it, but god damn I'm just so tired and I wish I didn't have that on my plate as well. But I value the relationships, so I will work hard to figure it out. But I do think this pandemic was extra hard on those who are older, but many of them also will not ever believe they need to get help to dealing with those stresses. Hopefully they do though and normalize having a therapist just as much as we who are in our 20s and 30s are normalizing the concept of regularly going to a therapist.

Obviously it's not possible these issues aren't also new without something I'm doing... but when I evaluated it logically, I just couldn't figure out why they were all of a sudden so objectively contradictory.


Sorry for the rant.

[Itse]

As someone who's suffered from various issues since childhood but has managed to come out of them, I have some thoughts/advice on this topic.

- It's never just in your head, and it's never just you. Yes, if you feel terrible all the time seeking therapy and/or medication is probably a good idea, but I've never met a depressed person with problems that were all in their head. Unhealthy relationships, toxic work environment, excessive stress, housing situation... People have a tendency to think that none of their problems are "that big" or "special", or "I shouldn't be this troubled by this completely normal stuff everyone deals with", but that's BS. First of all, very likely "everyone" also has problems with that stuff, and second: if it really bothers you it really bothers you. Most of the time there's stuff you can change about your life that would help. (Some level of burnout is super common.)

- Sleep is a must, and you probably need more than you think you do. Depression can easily add anything from 1-4 hours to the amount of sleep you'll need per day. Don't be ashamed of the amount of sleep you need. Naps are also great. If you start sleeping 12 hours a day, that's not even a high number, I've seen higher. If you're not sleeping, it's pretty close to impossible to not feel like crap. And if you do feel horrible all the time and you're not sleeping enough, it's quite possible the lack of sleep is 90% of the reason why you feel like you do. Sleep deprivation is literally torture.

- Healing inside the head is slow. Six months is very short, 3-4 years is nothing special. Accept this. Don't blame yourself for taking "so long". Make sure people around you understand this. Consider the ramifications together with your family. If for example your partner thinks they can just do everything while they wait for you to get better, after a year or two there's a really high chance they will have burned themselves out. Extra pairs of hands are great, ask for help and make adjustments. Maybe your friends can take the kids out of the house sometimes, maybe there's a family member who can pick up the kids from school. Maybe you can find the money somewhere to eat more takeout, or maybe you can eat at a friends place sometimes. Consider the amount of hobbies everyone has etc. Tell your partner they need to take care of themselves too and take breaks, because they might otherwise feel like they're being selfish. Don't let your partner burn themselves out by letting them do everything for extended periods of time. Many partners will burn themselves to the ground if you let them, because they love you, and that's exactly the kind of stupid thing people in love have a tendency to do.

- Goals are great, and any little thing that feels like it's not too difficult and might help is good goal. You can't fix all your life at once, and no single improvement is likely to magically fix all your problems, but it all still helps, and it's easier to pick at one or two things at a time.

For example, I used to have a really overly negative and self-deprecating way of talking about myself and my personal history. Once a friend pointed this out to me (in a chat, where the proof was undisputable), I spent like a year just trying to get out of that habit. Or really, those two habits. I tried to find nicer things to think about in my past, and I paid attention to the way I spoke about myself, and actively tried saying positive things. In retrospect it probably only took about eight months or so to start talking about myself in a nicer way, and considering I was around 40 at that point, it was basically a blink of an eye relatively speaking.

I also at one point decided that I wanted to try different medication options (not more, but different), and even though I was in kind of a bad shape, focusing on that one goal was simple enough to do, and the extra effort ended up being really worth it. Even if hadn't been worth it, it had bothered me that I was basically on the first drug someone had prescribed me, and I felt that I needed to know what else is out there just to ease my mind.

- Asking for help is great, and venting is great.

At one point when I felt that I was afraid I was unloading too much stuff to my friends, I asked a bunch of them if they would join a chat support group for me, and that was a great idea if I say so myself. I maybe used that group 3-4 times, but every time it was some very big thing or worry I needed to get off my chest, and it was nice to not worry about "do they want to hear this". They had specifically signed up for it, and because the support chat group had half a dozen people in it, it basically meant that if any one, two or three people at that moment weren't feeling like they could actually deal with my stuff at that time, there was still always someone who was there for me with a little emoji or some words of comfort. Just the awareness of "My Awesome Support Group" (the literal title of the chat) existing was a ton of comfort. It was a very literal reminder that I had friends who cared.

- It probably helps to let people around you know what's really going on with you. Even if you're not asking anyone to do anything for you, I've found that just dealing with everyday life became a lot easier once I started telling the important people around me that I've got these problems I'm dealing with. It helped with the shame I was feeling, and it just helped me relax socially, made life a bit less stressful. It was nice to not have to come up with excuses for stuff I wasn't up for, and just not having to worry about people noticing that there was something wrong with me. They already knew there was something wrong, and I didn't have to explain it anymore, and that was just nice.