Let's talk about getting professional help...

[shermanator]

So Wednesday afternoon I'm with my wife in Vancouver, on a trip that was supposed to celebrate my 40th birthday. I didn't sleep Tuesday night because apparently my body can't sleep on a soft mattress any more, and am crying uncontrollably asking my wife "why can't I just be happy?".

I've needed that breakdown since I lost my job in early July, and it helped, but it's also a sign that it's time for me to get mental help.

I don't really know where to begin, so rather than just Googling and picking someone random, I am turning to CP for advice on various options are in Calgary.

[WhiteTiger]

The only advice I have is, keep trying. It can take a few tries to find a psych that you 'vibe' with enough for the process to really take. Don't be afraid to tell your psych "this just isn't working" and find a new one. You aren't forever bound to the first one you try.

[starseed]

Definitely above, but it may take time to make solid progress.

This event may just be bringing out symptoms of an anxiety disorder, so it may be worth it to talk to your doctor as well.

Sent from my SM-N986U1 using Tapatalk

[mrdonkey]

Sorry you’ve been going through a rough time. Job loss is a hell of a thing to go through, especially with a family to support. I would encourage you to keep reaching out to your wife and other people in your support network, as it really does help to know that you’re not alone in your journey. When it comes to finding a professional, your best bet is to do a little bit of independent research and ask around. What works for one person might not work for another, so take any personal references with a grain of salt. Almost every counsellor will offer a free consultation over the phone to gauge the fit and lay some of the groundwork for what they can offer.

When I was starting out, I found it helpful to keep a list of specific goals I wanted to work on, and some of the qualities I was looking for in that professional relationship. It was helpful both for me and the counsellors I was talking with to have a clear understanding of my needs going in. Some counsellors will be more specialized in, say, grief support, and others in behavioural and cognitive adjustment. Some will have a more active voice and others will be more client-centered, allowing you to direct most of the conversation. It really is just a matter of asking around and not being afraid to ask for a referral if the fit isn’t there. It can sometimes take a while and many tries to find something that works for you.

Also, as this process can be a financial strain, do note that the Distress Centre is a completely free, over-the-phone resource with professionals on-site. They primarily focus on helping people get through serious crisis and thoughts of suicide, but the volunteers there are great people who are trained to talk with you about anything at all for no charge.

Hoping you can get through this soon and get back on the road to finding the joy in life again.

[Jiri Hrdina]

Has sleep been an ongoing thing or is that part a new wrinkle?

[Snuffleupagus]

I have an aunt who's a psychologist and a very good friend who's a professional counselor and the thing they most have in common is they try to make people realize that every person goes thru ups and downs in a long life, the key is managing both with an even keel.

Also, when you're down always try to remember that there are many many people with bigger problems.

[Minnie]

Is your wife working? Would you have access to any counseling services through her plan, if it includes that? May be the first place to start, if it's available. Calgary Counselling Centre is another place you might check with. What others have also mentioned, for the most part, is good advice.

[musth]

• Do not be afraid to reach out to trusted friends and family.
• We have a fantastic group of online friends here, sometimes all it takes a common ground to open up and relate, and I've seen lots of proof of that happening here - read other similar threads and message with those who you get on well with.
• The world can be an extremely depressing place at times, society can be difficult as many are just trying to get by day to day, and much of what you hear read and see can be both overwhelming and seemingly negative.
• I urge you to focus on healing, things that you enjoy and make you happy, and avoiding as much negativity as you can right now. It can take time, and results sometimes aren't as quick as you like. That's ok.
• I hope you find yourself in a better place soon.

More little reminder tidbits here:
https://depts.washington.edu/fammed/..._printable.pdf

[shermanator]

Originally Posted by Jiri Hrdina

Has sleep been an ongoing thing or is that part a new wrinkle?

I've struggled with sleep for the last 10 years, but largely have it figured out. Sleeping in a new bed on vacation can be a challenge. Wasn't a problem in the places I stayed in Nova Scotia. Massive problem in Vancouver.

[Jiri Hrdina]

Originally Posted by shermanator

I've struggled with sleep for the last 10 years, but largely have it figured out. Sleeping in a new bed on vacation can be a challenge. Wasn't a problem in the places I stayed in Nova Scotia. Massive problem in Vancouver.

Yeah I'm the same way. I pack my own pillow and blanket now to minimize the variables, but the mattress can still be an issue.
But when you are struggling already, lack of sleep, can you really tip you over the edge.

More broadly speaking, my experience has been that it may take some time to find the right person to help you. I dealt with a few therapists who didn't fit with me, and a couple that I would frankly describe as pretty terrible. But then I found the right help (combo of a sleep doctor and a good therapist) and that helped a ton.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

The irony is, losing a job, or not having coverage for counselling in a job you don't like, are the people that would need help the most.

I have no idea the cost or how good placed like Better Help are. I keep hearing about them on podcasts.

I know people who have seen clinical social workers and have had it help.

Originally Posted by shermanator

I've struggled with sleep for the last 10 years, but largely have it figured out. Sleeping in a new bed on vacation can be a challenge. Wasn't a problem in the places I stayed in Nova Scotia. Massive problem in Vancouver.

Sounds like the issue isn't the beds, but where they're located

[Cube Inmate]

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

Also, when you're down always try to remember that there are many many people with bigger problems.

One factor (of many) contributing to depression can be the awareness of other people's problems. It's very easy to flip the script from "my problems aren't so bad compared to what Bob in Lahaina is going through" to "this world is f###Ed."

Depression is not logical and the perspectives of a healthy mind simply don't make sense to an unhealthy one. Citation: my brain.

[dissentowner]

Professional help? Who can afford that?

[Wormius]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

Professional help? Who can afford that?

A lot of benefits packages have some coverage, so it’s not out of the question, especially if his wife is working and has some coverage with her work.

[fotze2]

Embarrassing to admit but I have tried to get help too. Everyone gives horse crap advice. Turn a frown upside down, get exercise, cold showers, go to a therapist.

I went to multiple therapists, wonderful people, but doesn’t do crap.

Every one seemed to believe that if I journaled things, it would get better. Bloody journaling, are you kidding me. Maybe that cured your thing. What a sham. Plus when you are unemployed, paying someone $100 an hour to tell you to journal your problems in the middle of the night.

Anyway. I am here to yell at the clouds with if you need.

[fotze2]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

Professional help? Who can afford that?

Magnets, how the f do they work?

[Slava]

Originally Posted by fotze2

Embarrassing to admit but I have tried to get help too. Everyone gives horse crap advice. Turn a frown upside down, get exercise, cold showers, go to a therapist.

I went to multiple therapists, wonderful people, but doesn’t do crap.

Every one seemed to believe that if I journaled things, it would get better. Bloody journaling, are you kidding me. Maybe that cured your thing. What a sham. Plus when you are unemployed, paying someone $100 an hour to tell you to journal your problems in the middle of the night.

Anyway. I am here to yell at the clouds with if you need.

Absolutely nothing embarrassing about it. If you need help, asking for it is the best thing to do!

[fotze2]

Originally Posted by Slava

Absolutely nothing embarrassing about it. If you need help, asking for it is the best thing to do!

Ya, that’s the easy part. I used to think it was absolutely insane Michael Jackson took surgery anesthetic drugs to sleep. It makes sense.

[Hack&Lube]

Originally Posted by fotze2

Embarrassing to admit but I have tried to get help too. Everyone gives horse crap advice. Turn a frown upside down, get exercise, cold showers, go to a therapist.

I went to multiple therapists, wonderful people, but doesn’t do crap.

Every one seemed to believe that if I journaled things, it would get better. Bloody journaling, are you kidding me. Maybe that cured your thing. What a sham. Plus when you are unemployed, paying someone $100 an hour to tell you to journal your problems in the middle of the night.

Anyway. I am here to yell at the clouds with if you need.

This was my experience too. It works differently for everyone. I'm sure therapy works for some folks but I tried therapy and psychologists in my 20s when I was suffering clinical depression for several years and nothing helped.

The therapies were all useless exercises I didn't believe in and the psychologists kept prescribing different cocktails of anti-depressants, etc. that just ended up making sleepy all the time.

The only thing that worked for me was to focus on work and be a total workaholic for 10 years and that broke me out of the funk because I was literally too busy to feel depressed. When I lost my professional job (same place as Fotze lol) I took my severance and started a 3rd side business. That totally failed and I lost more money than I ever want to think about, but again, I was too busy to feel sad. For me, the cure was to never have any downtime to feel sad or sorry for myself.

That negativity aside, I think one of the most important things is to talk to other people who have experienced depression and anxiety because there is nothing worse than to try to talk about mental illness to someone who has not experienced it themselves. They just will never understand it. They will try to get you to find a root cause, coach you in useless things, give you hollow advice. With depression, there's often no rhyme or reason, the darkness just comes.

[WinnipegFan]

Hey OP,

I have worked as a counsellor for a significant chunk of my career, and I have been to see one many times. Not embarrassed about it at all. I also don't go around talking about it but I am not ashamed to have sought out help. However, I cannot say that the help was really all that useful. To be honest I am lucky in my situation that I have two things:

1. My wife, she is a rock and man she has been through the #### with me, but we are on the other side and stronger for it.

2. Friends that I can openly talk to about real life issues. Not those ones that like the happy you, I mean the real friends that will get into the muck with you and sit there.

Now, as for getting help I have found refuge in understanding myself better and in meditation. There is a great recorded series I have and am happy to share that guides you through the early stages of meditation.

As for professional help explore the options out there, no one is a perfect fit for everyone but there will be someone that works. Don't hesitate to pull away if it isn't working or helping and seek someone new.

You also aren't looking for a cure here, there isn't one. However, there are steps you can take to improve yourself, and some medications that can be immediate aids but limited in their ability to overall improve things.

Don't turn that frown upside down, embrace it and figure out its source. It is also ok to be sad. We have a false belief that we need to be happy which seems to be captured in your statement to your wife. However, we truly can't even understand the concept of happiness without understanding sadness. Also, if you are on social media, get the #### off it. It is a huge source of sadness as it displays an artificial idea of happiness.

Feel free to PM me anytime, I am always happy to listen as well if you need to start somewhere and just talk to someone. I am in a weird timezone for Calgary but I will always make it work for someone who needs to talk.

Also keep these #s closely, just in case during your journey you ever get overwhelmed:

403-266-HELP (4357) https://www.distresscentre.com
311 - no joke you can call this and they will connect you to help

All the best my friend, it is not a journey towards happiness, it is journey through a #### tonne of emotions and embrace the happiness along the way.