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FBI · 07-14-2017, 02:34 PM

The latest "trend" in divorces. We are trying this out so the kids don't have to leave the house at all. We now have another apartment which we then alternate out of. Does anybody have any experience with this or have heard any stories about it? I am trying to keep the kids first.

bigtmac19 · 07-14-2017, 03:05 PM

I've heard counsellors recommend this. It's great in theory, much better for the kids than shuffling between homes. I would wonder how long you could sustain it once either parent enters a new relationship.

Fuzz · 07-14-2017, 03:07 PM

How do you deal with things like cleaning and yard work? Wouldn't it just lead to more arguments about who did what?

FBI · 07-14-2017, 03:11 PM

Fuzz> yeah I'm not sure. We just started. You have to make a good set of rules that you can follow I guess. The weird thing is I read articles saying "birdnesting can work, but you need to have great communication between parents". Hmm if we would have had great communication before, we wouldn't have been in this mess.

Lubicon · 07-14-2017, 03:23 PM

I recall a few years ago a custody case in BC. The judge ruled that the kids can stay at the house and the parents would stay when it was their 'turn' and have to leave when it was the other parent's turn. The reasoning was it was less disruptive for the kids if they could remain in one home.

Weitz · 07-14-2017, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lubicon

I recall a few years ago a custody case in BC. The judge ruled that the kids can stay at the house and the parents would stay when it was their 'turn' and have to leave when it was the other parent's turn. The reasoning was it was less disruptive for the kids if they could remain in one home.

... Which is what is being talked about?

scotty2hotty · 07-14-2017, 04:36 PM

Yeah ... I can see this being a great idea on paper. Until one of you gets a new partner.

Hopping into that same bed every week after the house swap would be a little uncomfortable, to say the least.

Just wait until the first time the sheets aren't washed.

ResAlien · 07-14-2017, 04:40 PM

I can't imagine sharing an outside living space would go well. If you're doing a trial separation with the intent of reconciliation then maybe but if it's done and dusted I'd be doubtful it would work out. It's asking for trouble regardless of how well you think you communicate IMO.

JohnnyB · 07-14-2017, 04:55 PM

Damn, sounds tough to do on a long-term basis. Had never heard of this before. Flipping the situation of not having a stable home onto the parents gives a new perspective for appreciating the instability kids usually experience in divorce.

Good luck to you.

FBI · 07-14-2017, 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scotty2hotty

Yeah ... I can see this being a great idea on paper. Until one of you gets a new partner.

Hopping into that same bed every week after the house swap would be a little uncomfortable, to say the least.

Just wait until the first time the sheets aren't washed.

Yeah we've already talked about sheets actually.. I wash them before we switch and vice versa.. This plan is certainly an inconvenience on the parents but I think that's the point, it is way more convenient for the kids if the adults can put aside their crap, suck it up, and both keep the kids at the top.

I don't think there is any hope for reconciliation unfortunately, that's definitely not why we are doing this..

nfotiu · 07-14-2017, 05:12 PM

It seems like it would be ok in the short term, and would be fine if kids were older, but boy does that make it hard to move on with your life. I bought out our married home in our divorce, so at least the kids could keep their neighborhood and friends, and my ex moved a few blocks away. We've been doing it for 6 years, and I don't really don't think the transition between houses phases the kids at all.

ResAlien · 07-14-2017, 05:13 PM

Well then the argument would be is it really what's best for the kids? Because a big part of what's best for them is having two happy parents who have their own fulfilling lives. How are either of you really going to be able to move on with your lives in this situation?

As someone who has gone through a divorce with kids I'd say that one thing that gets forgotten when "putting the kids first" is yourself. If you're not happy then that makes it's way down to them. It's not selfish or being a bad parent to make choices to help you move forward with your life as well. This theory sounds alright for the kids at the house but I'm not a fan. How long do you expect this situation to last? Are we talking months or years?

photon · 07-14-2017, 06:38 PM

I've heard a lot more about this kind of thing lately, especially the kind where the people keep living in the same house. I even know a couple of cases. It seems to work well for them, basically it's like having a roommate I guess. That probably wouldn't work for couples that fight all the time, that'd probably be worse for the kid than having to go back and forth.

But for people that are separating because they simply don't care for each other anymore and can still get along well enough to be roommates it seems to be an option. Certainly is a lot cheaper too.

As for it not working when one person meets someone else, I guess it depends.. when my sister got divorced she always made a point of never letting whatever relationship she was in get into her kid's life, at least when he was younger. Only when he was older and her relationship was more serious did she start to get them to interact. Which seemed reasonable to me, rather than have a bunch of different people coming in and out of his life.

Not for everyone, but I can see it working in some cases. And I didn't even know it had a name until reading the thread.

Lubicon · 07-14-2017, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Weitz

... Which is what is being talked about?

Yup, which is why I mentioned it. In this case it was court ordered which is different than what the OP is doing if I understand correctly.

GGG · 07-14-2017, 07:15 PM

As a child of divorced parents when I was grade 6 or so I don't think this actually beneficial. To me rules in one house were moderately different from rules on the other house. In my case we came home and did homework right away but chores were less of a big deal I. The other house we cooked supper first and then did homework. The routine was different with different parents. I think that if I were to have maintained the same house while my parents moved in and out it would have been much more disruptive. Simple things like the expectation of the cleanliness of my room each day or week would likely cause conflict unless I had the most diligent and compromising parents ever.

From my perspective staying a reasonable distance from friends and school is very important. The physical location of my bedroom is relatively meaningless.

The most important thing to me or maybe the thing that bothered me the most was any negative statements about the other parent. Even just little unintentional comments were hurtful.

So my recommendation would be stay in the same neighbourhood but most importantly support each other as parents and any negative thoughts or discussion about the other spouse should not happen within earshot of Your children

calgarygeologist · 07-14-2017, 07:33 PM

I could potentially see this as an option but I wouldn't be sharing the second place with the ex. I would get my own place that I use when I'm not with the kids.

nfotiu · 07-14-2017, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GGG

As a child of divorced parents when I was grade 6 or so I don't think this actually beneficial. To me rules in one house were moderately different from rules on the other house. In my case we came home and did homework right away but chores were less of a big deal I. The other house we cooked supper first and then did homework. The routine was different with different parents. I think that if I were to have maintained the same house while my parents moved in and out it would have been much more disruptive. Simple things like the expectation of the cleanliness of my room each day or week would likely cause conflict unless I had the most diligent and compromising parents ever.

From my perspective staying a reasonable distance from friends and school is very important. The physical location of my bedroom is relatively meaningless.

The most important thing to me or maybe the thing that bothered me the most was any negative statements about the other parent. Even just little unintentional comments were hurtful.

So my recommendation would be stay in the same neighbourhood but most importantly support each other as parents and any negative thoughts or discussion about the other spouse should not happen within earshot of Your children

Thanks for that post. It gives me comfort that I/we are doing the right thing with our kids.

photon · 07-14-2017, 07:49 PM

The point about negative discussion about the other parent is spot on. When parents try to use the kid as a battle ground to hurt each other, that's abuse IMO.

Amethyst · 07-14-2017, 07:58 PM

I've heard of a few people doing this. In those situations though, the parents did not take turns with one "away" apartment. They each had their own apartment and then took turns at the former marital home with the kids.

I think it's a great idea and it may be a little harder for the parents, but at least the kids aren't packing every week. My friend has a reasonably decent co-parenting relationship with her ex and they live close to each other, but there are still issues where the clothes the kids want to wear are at the wrong house, etc.

I think it will only work though if you can have a reasonably cordial co-parenting relationship. If it turns into one always passive aggressively leaving the family home a mess for the other, etc. it's not going to work. But I think it could work great for people who can still get along reasonably well but just don't want the romantic relationship anymore.

troutman · 07-14-2017, 08:04 PM

My teenage boys go back and forth between each home freely. Often they like to get away from each other and enjoy having two homes.

In the social media age, they have friends all over the city, and don't worry much about missing anything on their block.

Bears repeating - both parents have to avoid any negative talk about the other parent in front of the children.