How do I get out of the "Friend Zone?" Help!!!

[arloiginla]

Ok here is the deal:

When I began to attend high school in grade 10, I met this girl that I really, really liked. Let's admit it she was smoking hot and that was probably the reason for my initial attraction, since I didn't know her yet. Guess you could call it a crush at that point.

Anyway I was in grade 10 and pretty immature especially around girls, so to make a long story short I didn't really even let her know I liked her, but she definitely didn't like me. In fact she avoided me whenever she could. This in turn kinda pissed me off and so I wasn't very nice to her either (wrong move, I know).

We both had a mutual friend (a really good friend) who eventually got us to be able to tolerate each other. This was also the year of the Flames run to the finals, so in about February or so down the stretch run we discovered that the other was a HUGE Flames fan and well, from there our friendship blossomed. Now four years later, we are practically best friends. We do pretty much everything together, but there is no romantic angle to it (think brother-sister) and we are not even friends with benefits. For the most part, I've been able to put aside my romantic attraction to her, since she has pretty much made it clear that she has no ulterior interest. We haven't discussed it explicitly of course but obviously there's nothing in her behaviour that would make me think anything's changed (why would it) and so I've been able to put it aside and be happy having her as a best friend. We've both dated others in the past couple years, but are both currently single.

And so just now I've kinda decided that since she basically has every trait that I look for in a girl (not just looks, I'm not only that kind of guy). My old high-school attraction to her has returned with a vengeance. It's also one of those things where I've decided that simply ignoring your feelings and putting them aside, the direction I've taken for the last four years, is something that has to stop. I would totally regret not asking her out later in on life as she is just an amazing girl (though I am only 19 and really haven't met any of those once-in-a-lifetime chicks yet).

My question(s):

-Is it even possible to get out of this "Friend Zone" in this case? I figure maybe with a couple "real" dates she could eventually become attracted to me, but I am pretty much positive that she has no romantic interest in me at this point.

-How do I go about asking her out? Obviously I see it being a very awkward situation. Do I need to drop some hints about my feelings before I do this (i don't want to creep her out and just out of the blue, ask her out)? If so, how do I go about dropping these hints (since I flirt with her quite often and obviously its in a joking way, so she'll probably think I'm kidding around and won't take me seriously)?

-Would our friendship be affected if i asked her out and she declined? Obviously with everyone its different, but in your experiences has the friendship been affected in any way? I wouldn't be heartbroken if she shot me down and would still see her as the same best friend, but would she feel the same way? She is easily embarrassed by awkward situations.

I call on my fellow CPers: please help!!!!!!! I will be away on vacation for three weeks starting tomorrow which gives me time to think about all this and my course of action, but when I get back I'd really appreciate it if I saw some helpful tips from all you Dr. Phils

Arlo

[rubecube]

Two words: Bang her.

[Prototype]

To answer your questions...

- It always was for me.
- Turn up the flirt, see what the response is. Some of the greatest relationships I was in just happened, weither I knew the person for years or days.
- Don't be blunt about it, try to build it up to the point that you're both thinking about it... but don't get your hopes up either.

Hope that helps.

[MelBridgeman]

pics? facebook links, my space links...

[foofighter15]

Well you are pretty freaking deep in the friend zone.
This is gonna sound bad, but maybe next time you two are drunk have a drunk talk. Or even if you're drunk enough make a move? I dunno. It seems low, but I think you can understand the theory behind it.

But I think the real question you need to ask yourself is: Do you want to be with her bad enough its worth the risk of putting the friendship in danger. Because if she does decline its going to be awkward for a bit.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by MelBridgeman

pics? facebook links, my space links...

Yeah, I guess we might as well get this out of the way...

This thread is worthless without pics.

[foofighter15]

Oh! New Years is coming up. Ask her to be your date to a New Years party, and see if anything happens with a New Years Kiss. If sparks fly, then there you go.

[gottabekd]

Originally Posted by arloiginla

Ok here is the deal:
-Is it even possible to get out of this "Friend Zone" in this case? I figure maybe with a couple "real" dates she could eventually become attracted to me, but I am pretty much positive that she has no romantic interest in me at this point.

I have a friend, when she broke up with her boyfriend (who she had when we met), we shared some mutual interest in each other. I didn't want to be a rebound, so didn't force the issue right way. She said that, at least for her, there is no "friend zone". She said "Sure, friends can eventually become boyfriends".

Needless to say, she's dating some other dude now. I'm back believing that once you venture into the friend zone, it is a bottomless pit.

However, no harm in giving it a go. You'll end up being disappointed, but that's better than waiting around hoping something will happen until she finds a new guy.

[looooob]

so she's a huge Flames fan....is she reading this thread?

[MelBridgeman]

ya..this is tough...if she has no interest in anything further, its not worth it..if she did, you think you would see signs? i dunno not knowing her..but once you cross that line..you could every well lose her as a friend if it doesnt work out....

[arsenal]

Slippery slope there my friend.
Your friendship could be affected. Since there will be the cloud of you wanting more, and her just wanting a friend hanging over it.
On the other side, a lot of successful relationships have blossomed from being friends first.

I personally have not successfully accomplished this task. You could always try asking her out on a real "date". See what she says, if she says no, just drop it, and move on.

You could start dating one of her smoking hot friends, or at least inquire about said friend. And see how she reacts. If she acts jealous, then you may have a way in there.

Other than that.. not sure exactly.

[Bring_Back_Shantz]

Okay, you can ask most of my friends and they'll tell you that I'm a pretty straight forward guy. Hell on a recent road trip I used this little diddy "Hey my friends right there are trying to figure out how to get you girls to come to the bar with us, and they're being pussies about it, so we're going to this piano bar down the street, do you want to come?" It worked (ask Hulkrogan if you don't believe me, also, I'm still waiting for that thank you Hulk).

Of course the downside to this philosophy is that it lends itself to some pretty spectacular failures. In the above case, the worst it would have meant is a hearty no, and the posiblitly of 4 friends being upset that I killed the grass, but that was a chance I was willing to take.

In your case it could totally devestate the relationship in two ways:
1) She turns you down and thinks it's now akward and she buggers off
2) She turns you donw, but you get bitter and start being a jerk

Of course there are the better posiblitles:
3) She says yes and you're gold
4) She says no, but you're both mature enought to deal with it (this can be done, I know because I've done it)

Anyway, you've got to decide if the posiblity of any of these options is completely unacceptable to you and if it is, maybe keeping your mouth shut is the best option.

However, I'd say go for it, and don't skirt the issue.
Joking, and pretending to flirt, but actually being flirty are weak, she'll think you're either not interested, or don't have the guts to speak up. Thought words I know, but that's how I roll.
Tell her how you feel, but make sure she knows that your continued friendship is not contingent upon her saying yes, and then go ahead and live with the consequences.

Think of it this way.

Choice 1
Don't say anything
Posibilites
Things stay the same and you have to pleasure yourself nightly

Choice 2
Say something
Posibilites
She says "Cool" and she pleasures you nightly
She says "No Dice" but you remain friends: see posibilites for choice 1
She says "No Dice" and one of you gets bitter, and it ends violently, it sucks but you can at least move on with your life

Those are the options man. Now have at er.

[CaptainCrunch]

Invite her over to your house. Get her drunk and pop in the Empire stikes back DVD, and when it hits the scene of Leia kissing Luke, rewind and slow motion over that scene about 20 times while wiggling your eye brows up and down.

Hopefully she'll get the hint.

Then pull out your banjo and play the deliverance theme song.

[foofighter15]

Where is Captain Crunch and Locke? We need a creepy joke!

Hahahaha CRAZY TIMING! nvm

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

Then pull out your banjo and play the deliverance theme song.

Quit stealing my moves.

[300spartans]

I think every guy has been in this situation. I know I certainly can't be good friends with a girl that I'm attracted to, too many conflicting emotions. It's either all or nothing.

Having said that, your approach really depends on the girl. Some girls will say that friends can eventually turn into boyfriends, others will say that the friend zone is permanent.

I would avoid the direct talk that basically leads you to saying "I like you more than just a friend." It comes out of the blue and usually scares people off.

You're better off testing things out to begin with. Treat her like a date when you're out. Hold the door for her, take her coat, flirt with her etc... Girls are pretty smart and she'll get the hint and go from there.

If she reciprocates, great! If she asks you what's up, then I think it's ok to be honest at this point.

Good luck.

[4X4]

Originally Posted by foofighter15

Oh! New Years is coming up. Ask her to be your date to a New Years party, and see if anything happens with a New Years Kiss. If sparks fly, then there you go.

Good answer.

At 12, kiss her the way you've been wanting to kiss her. She'll either take it in stride or reciprocate. If she merely takes it in stride, you've got the advantage of blaming it on alcohol. If she reciprocates, make it clear that it wasn't the alcohol.

I highly recommend against drunken confessions of love. I was chilling with a couple female friends on sunday and somehow that exact topic came up. Their concensus was that it screws up the friendship afterward, and it is extremely difficult to let the person down nicely.
If you do do it, just make sure not to push the issue. If you tell her that you're in love with her and that you want to marry her, she'll run faster than Ben Johnson after a homemade cocktail.'
If you tell her you're attracted to her in a new way, maybe she'll be interested. If she isn't, don't spend the rest of the night trying to convince her. Just drop it.

[CrusaderPi]

To answer this one, I'll defer to my friend, Young M.C.

"Just Bust A Move".

[rubecube]

Ask her how'd she like to be eaten if she was an ice cream cone.

[Got Miikka?]

If you're anything like me, you'll make your move regardless of the outcome and then if it fails you will realize later on that you aren't even that attracted to her anymore, and then later still she'll come after you and you'll be like, "T.S., b*tch!" - or you can revenge bang her and never call her again.