[Cecil Terwilliger]

If I may rant a little here...

One thing that has been bothering me and not just because I'm "irritable" is how both my smoker and non-smoker friends have reacted.

Not all of them of course just a select few. I've kept in on the DL from most people just so they don't make a big deal out of it.

Two of my smoker friends acted like I went from being Jewish to joining the Aryan Nation. Seriously guys, I didn't turn my back on my identity and I'm not a traitor. I just decided to quit smoking. The funny thing is that I've always really enjoyed smoking. I know that sounds weird to some people but it is true. If there were cigarettes that weren't laced with toxic chemicals I'd switch but there isn't a safer alternative. The only thing that bothers me about the social stigma is the people who think it is any of their business what I choose to do.

Then of course there are the crazy anti-smoking Nazis who act like I've just been cured of leprosy and aren't a freak anymore. When I explain that I miss smoking they act like I just escaped from Guantanamo and say I miss the torture.

Luckily this is an ignorant irritating minority of people who react in either of these ways but nevertheless I think they are all jackasses for the way they've acted.

And in case anyone asks, I don't know why I enjoy smoking and no reading the Carr book won't change that. It has nothing to do with addiction or health. I think it is a combination of a few different things. Having fond memories as a kid of my Grandpa smoking, Hollywood indoctrination that smoking is cool and something else I can't quite identify. I like watching the cherry burn as I inhale, I like blowing little smoke rings when I exhale. I don't know it is kind of weird to be honest. I just enjoy smoking. All my life I've even enjoyed the smell of cigarette smoke.

If it weren't so expensive and bad for my health I probably wouldn't quit. Yet here I am, determined to stay away from smoking.

What people might find even more strange is that I want to be able to have the odd smoke when I'm drinking without having to buy a pack or be totally addicted. Yeah, yeah I'm addicted to life and just one smoke will have me back on the habbit blah, blah... I'm talking about in maybe 6 months being able to have a smoke or two every month when I'm out drinking and not feel like that means I have to smoke all the time. In essence I want to take the power back. I want to control when I smoke, not let smoking control me. A friend of mine has been mostly smoke free for about 3 years. But when I'm in town and we go drinking he has no problem lighting up with me for a few days and then he doesn't really smoke again until I see him again. I'd love to be able to have that kind of control. I'm determined not to make it an addiction for life. I want to treat cigarettes like beer or weed. Have a little bit here and there when I'm having fun but not everyday all day.